HOW I FOUND IT - REPOST

AS I REACH THE ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY OF MY DIAGNOSIS, I felt led and compelled to RE-POST a previous blog (10/31/11) of how I found my breast cancer.  I'm trying to be sensitive to the spirit of God in case some of my story could save another woman's life.  I pray this helps someone.

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My version of "The Thinker"

ONE of the reasons I started this blog was to hopefully help another woman find answers from my story that might apply to her situation, whether a close friend I know well, or even a stranger who might wander upon this blog site searching for answers.  The latter accounts for my choice of the rather boring name of the blog which I hoped would be an easy google search pop-up for that searching woman.  I was once that "google-searching woman" myself.

THAT'S WHY today, I felt like I should backtrack a little in time and share how I found my breast cancer and some events that led up to that.  Many friends have asked me this question and I'm able to share and will again today, hoping it might help at least one person discern wisely.  FIRST, let me say that not everyone's situation is the same and I intend this only as a prayerful tool you might use in your situation.  Any research you might do on breast lumps will tell you that MOST lumps end up being benign, thankfully, and women have to find a careful balance between living in constant fear and using diligent wisdom God gives us to discern issues about our health.

(For the men friends - I apologize in advance if any of this is too awkward for you to read and you can certainly choose to opt out of today's blog.)
MY HISTORY has always been of having very dense breasts which many women have.  This doesn't mean my breast were stupid, but rather compact I guess you could say, which made mammograms harder to distinguish what from what.  Women with dense breasts have to be even more diligent about "knowing" their own breasts with self-exams, etc.  I've not always done that especially in younger years, more hit and miss.  I breast fed both my babies for a year each which is supposed to help prevent breast cancer.  I battled the common fibrocystic (fluid-filled benign) breastlumps in my younger adult years which come and go during a women's cycle and can be tender and painful but not dangerous.  They usually tell you to avoid caffeine which helps and eventually as I got older they weren't an issue for me anymore.

Over my middle-aged years (I can't remember when I started exactly) I continued to get mammograms and occasionally breast ultrasounds would follow when they couldn't distinguish an area due to the density.  Always okay.  In 2006 after my mother's ovarian cancer diagnosis, I was put back on a low dose oral contraceptive as a way of leveling off hormone levels to avoid ovarian cancer.  I stayed on that for about 5 or 6 years until I took myself off.  In 2007 I found two rather palpable lumps, one in each breast.  They did mammograms, special view mammograms (more detailed), and an ultrasound.  It was suggested that while they appeared to be benign, a needle biopsy was the only way to tell for sure.  The biopsy, while no fun, is relatively simple, performed by a radiologist with the help of an ultrasound tech, with lidocaine to numb the area where you feel only pressure for the most part.  The lidocaine injections are small needles and feel like bee stings at worst.  The whole procedure takes about 30 minutes and you go home with icepacks for a few hours and maybe some bruising, but in light of what it can help you avoid....is NOTHING you should hesitate about out of fear.  Meditating on speaking Jesus' name was always a help to me in getting through the biopsies and taking my mind off of what they were doing.

The radiologist felt by the sheer look of the specimen that it was benign but, of course, won't confirm until labs are back in about 3 days.  I was relieved to find the two lumps were FIBROADENOMAS, which were solid, but benign.  The radiologist and my gyno said that they were estrogen related, but usually dissolve themselves when women go through menopause.  I was told that unless they changed or were bothering me, I could leave them alone, or choose to have them removed surgically.  Surgical removal would have amounted to a lumpectomy-type procedure on both breasts and due to the size of the right one especially, would cause a definite indention at best.  More than that, I was just so relieved and tired of all the testing, that I just wanted to move on and stop worrying about it and opted to not put myself through a surgical procedure to remove benign breast lumps which would eventually go away on their own.  I did make a moderate attempt to start a natural vitamin regimen sold by my gyno for about 9 months.  They were expensive and I wasn't sold on the fact that they were worth it and eventually stopped.  I continued though over the next years to take OTC vitamin D3 which is supposed to be good for cancer prevention.  However, I would often fall off the wagon with my daily vitamin taking, just to pick it back up again later.

In 2009, after a mammogram with new digital equipment, they found a microcalcification in the right breast.  This was a little scarier, because they can often signify pre-cancerous cells forming.  NOT ALWAYS, but again, YOU GUESSED IT, the only way to know for sure is a biopsy.  This time though due to the small rice-size of the spot, they would have to do a stereotactic biopsy.  I'd never heard of this procedure at the time, but felt like I needed to follow through with it.  In a stereo, you lay on an elevated table on your stomach with your breast exposed through an opening underneath where they are compressed in a mammogram while a needle biopsy is performed.  One of the hardest parts was not being able to move for about 30 minutes during the procedure.  Again, I will just say this.  If this procedure can help you avoid future breast cancer, then comparatively speaking, its much simpler.  But I will say, it was not an easy procedure to go through and learn from my mistake - DON'T HESITATE TO SPEAK UP AND TELL THEM JUST AS SOON AS YOU NEED MORE NUMBING MEDS.  Thankfully again, the results came back as more fibroadenoma cells.  This brought up a new issue for me personally as to how much is too much!  I openly discussed with the radiologist that while I appreciated the new digital technology that could reveal possible precancerous cells much smaller and earlier, I could not and would not want to go through a stereotactic biopsy every other year just because my breasts were prone to these issues.  I'm sure that's when I began to work harder on taking my vitamins, etc.  He assured me that it was uncommon for women to have frequent ongoing stereo's.  I was just glad it was over and again that the results were negative.  Back to regular life.

In Nov. 2010, I had a slight scare with my yearly pelvic exam coming back abnormal and followed through with some follow-up diagnostics with that.  It was unnerving to say the least and tiring to have to deal with yet another issue.  I had started back to school at that point and was extremely busy and wrapped up in that.  It ended up being nothing, PTL, and ironically my mammogram in Nov. 2010 came back clear.  I was not even called back in for the usual breast ultrasound to double-check which I'd been so used to.  I just remember being thankful since the pelvic issue was on my plate at the time and I even considered it a blessing.  The previous fibroadenoma lumps as well as the microcalcification spot had all been marked at time of biopsies, with tissue markers that would show up in subsequent mammograms letting radiologists know those areas had already been cleared as "ok".

SOMETIME in the first few months of 2011 I'm guessing, I began to re-feel on the large fibroadenoma lump in my right breast.  This was probably more an occasional habit while in the shower to run my fingers over the lump and think about it.  But I found myself doing it more and more often and questioning whether it was indeed changing size/getting bigger, whether it was just hormones causing it to swell then shrink back, or whether it was just my imagination trying to worry...paranoia.  NOT wanting to run back to the doctors and very busy in life, I let it go for several months until I began to feel a bebe size lump closer to the nipple area of that same breast.  That definitely felt "different", but again, I just questioned myself and postponed it for weeks until my follow-up appt. with my gyno where I would  bring it up.  In fact to save time off from school, I took charge and scheduled my gyno appt. in the morning, my mammogram after lunch followed by an ultrasound which I knew they would require.  I've learned to ask with pleasant insistence for what I want or need instead of just taking the first thing that's offered appt.-wise, etc.  ALSO, especially after being in radiography school myself for a year by this time, I did not hesitate to ask for EXTRA lidocaine from the radiologist as he proceeded with yet another biopsy one month later on three new tumor areas in that right breast.

The mammogram and ultrasound in July had shown three areas of suspicion and I was told those familiar words again, that only a biopsy could tell for sure whether they were more fibroadenomas or not.  Even at this point, I felt it was probably just the same old benign lumps and I DID NOT want to rush to a biopsy, take time off clinicals, and put myself through the worry.  I tried to believe God to just take it away.  I was stalling, too.  Finally, I decided to take my cd of my mammo and ultra to the clinic where I worked at clinicals in a hope that one of their radiologists would be so kind as so give their student a free second opinion.  One doctor did, and told me he preferred to err on the side of caution with these things and recommended I follow through with the biopsy.  That helped me to make my decision and I'm so glad I did!  Before that I was actually thinking of taking the "watch and wait" approach for 6 months.  Who knows where my cancer would be today had I done that.

As I've shared in this blog many times, I'm a Christian and believe and trust in an all-knowing loving God who is more than able to heal in many ways.  I'm reminded of the old story about the man stranded on his roof top as flood waters are rising all around.  A boat comes along offering him a ride to which he proclaims "No thanks, God will take care of me!"  The flood waters continue to rise as a second boat comes by offering assistance to which he refuses declaring "No thanks, God will care of me!".  As the waters rise even more and third boat comes by begging him to receive help and he again denies saying "God will take care of me!"  The man drowns and goes to heaven where he questions God, "Why didn't you save me?", to which God answers..."Who do you think sent the three boats?"

My gyno told me when I asked years ago, that it was extremely rare for a fibroadenoma to TURN INTO cancer.  In hindsight...the fibroadenoma lump being the size it was, at best, helped obscure the new cancer tumors that arose later making me question my earlier decision to leave them in.  Also, I would encourage women to talk to their doctor about taking vitamin D3 regularly and be more diligient than I was.  Its an easy, healthy, and inexpensive tool in your arsenal against cancer.  Finally, be familiar with your own breasts and if you suspect anything out of the ordinary, get it checked out as soon as possible.  We can't continue to look backward in our lives, but move forward with courage and thankfulness for a merciful, forgiving God who holds our hand through every hard thing we encounter and uses it to bring us closer to him.  Hope this helps someone.  

(As a sidenote:  I now (2012) also take daily low-dose aspirin, Vit. E, B12, C0Q10, L-Glutamine, Iron)

CROSSING THE BRIDGES OF OUR LIVES

Me and Kenny

I made it!

I HAVE SO MUCH I WANT TO SAY, I don't know where to begin.  Let me start with saying how THANKFUL I am to feel as good as I do.  I truly feel like I "crossed a bridge" over the last few weeks to a renewed self.  Vacation was truly a needed and rejuvenating time which helped in the crossing of that bridge.  While we're talking bridges...I'm proud to say I conquered another personal milestone by swallowing my fear and walking across the mile-high swinging bridge at Grandfather Mt., NC.  This, as some of you who shall remain nameless will remember, is the bridge I couldn't continue to cross almost ten years ago and had to literally crawl back the miserable ten feet or so with a panic attack as my then younger sons ran on ahead to my horror.

On this current trip as my husband kept mentioning his desire to go back to Grandfather Mt., I quietly and mentally prepared myself to not let it conquer me this time.  Perhaps silly to some, but I wanted to use it as a personal and symbolic representation of what I had overcome through breast cancer by getting to the other side, all the while fearing I might freeze up again.  Not allowing myself to think too hard about it as we got to the bridge that day, I set out across before I could change my mind.  Signs clearly stated "40 PERSON MAX", to which no one (but me) seemed to be adherring.  My oldest, Tyler, found it hilarious to shake the bridge and make scary statements while walking in front of me, but I kept my head down and walked fast and sure.  I WAS VICTORIOUS!  I then had no desire or energy to climb to the top of the mountain lookout with the rest of the family, but was content to sit at the bridge's end and relish in my personal accomplishment.  

I WAS SURPRISED AT THE AMOUNT OF ENERGY I did have considering where I was just a month ago.  While I did sit out on some rougher hikes and the white-water rafting (I knew my arms would not allow that one), I biked, ate, waded in streams, ate, walked, ate, hiked (with multiple stopping, wheezing, and panting, lol) even rode on the back of a four-wheeler with my husband up the mountain.  By the way, on that day, I decided I was more of an "indoorsey girl".

Oh...and did I mention...ate.  Food tastes good again ya'll, which might not be such a good thing.     

Jammin' on the front porch

I'VE READ SO MANY GOOD BOOKS over the last year.  (I'm sharing the names at the top right of the blog.)  One I'm reading now by Don Piper is on finding earthly joy in any situation.  The central theme he talks about is, ironically, crossing bridges in our lives from the lives we once knew, to the new lives we find ourselves in for whatever reason.  He encourages through his book to dry the tears and embrace where God has you now and use it - find your "new normal", which is a term often thrown at breast cancer survivors, to the dislike of some.  I'm SO GRATEFUL that in many ways my new normal is even better than the old me.  I still live with some limitations, frustrations, and aches and pains.  And even as a follower of Christ living by faith, I will unfortunately live with the looming threat of a cancer reoccurrence no matter everything I've done and continue to do to prevent it.  I understand that, but will choose as best as I can not to fear it.

For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.  2 Timothy 1:7 

  

Me and our sweet niece Sarah

Learning woodworking from my father-in-law

Me and sister-in-law Michelle

Our campsite on edge of mountain

DR. WRIGHT

WAS OUR FOLLOW-UP APPT. WITH MY ONCOLOGIST, DR. WRIGHT.  What a great guy, we REALLY have been blessed by him.  Not only is he kind, patient, listens and is so personable, but he ALWAYS apologizes profusely for making us wait the slightest bit.  In fact today, he was in the room waiting for us!  He even let me teach HIM about what I learned about Axillary Web Syndrome which he admitted he was not real familiar with.  I was glad to help him help the next patient he might have with the same complaints.  Dr. Wright released me until December.  Based on some new preliminary trials just published, he suggested I take a low-dose aspirin a day which may reduce the chances of reoccurrence of breast cancer and certainly can't hurt.  We gave big hugs to him and to our nurses and brought them Nabisco goodies.  I won't miss chemo and needles, but I WILL miss them.    

WHILE WE WERE IN THE INFUSION CENTER, we talked to a sweet and lovely younger patient who started her chemo sometime after me.  She's a mother of 6 and 7 yr. olds. and she was delighted to see my hair already starting to grow back this close after my chemo.  She admitted losing her hair had been the hardest part for her.  My heart went out to her and I tried my best to encourage her and blessed her as we left.  She has six weeks left of treatment.  Its truly a bonding experience.  I just want to give them all a big hug and tell them to hang on!

I SAW MY LYMPHEDEMA P.T. first thing this morning just to make sure we had gotten all the cording broken.  We discussed my lymphedema risk factors more in depth and she was very helpful.  She said from my descriptions I'm probably a Stage I.  I realize now with even the mild level I've experienced that I need to be more vigilent with precautions and wearing my compression sleeves at least when I do strenuous activities that bring on the heavy tight feeling in my upper arms.  I DO NOT want to advance.  I'm also to wear them when I feel the heaviness coming on to help move the lymphatic fluid along.  They're no fun for sure as I even wear them for a couple of hours now, but I guess you adapt.

OH, AND GUESS WHAT?  We saw Dr. Oz next door outside our exam room window.  He was next door at the heart hospital doing a "health diagnosis special" of the city of Tampa.  We wondered why tons of people were lined up outside the hospital just standing waiting.  Dr. Wright said Dr. Oz was down there, and sure enough he was in his blue scrubs taking pictures.  Pretty cool!  But we told Dr. Wright, he was nothing compared to him and we meant it.

WATCHING GRASS GROW

HI FAMILY AND FRIENDS!  Activity since my last surgery has been picking up gradually and steadily.  I feel much better, yet my body has a long way to go.  As far as life in the breast cancer world (or I gladly should say "post cancer" world) it has been about walking out the remaining symptoms on a daily basis and dealing with the surprising emotional roller coaster that has emerged in these final hours of the saga.  Here's where things are:

MY FINGERNAIL BEDS are a nasty black/green color and my nails seem to be holding on for dear life.  This is a side effect from the chemo-induced neuropathy.  Some days I wish they'd just go ahead and fall off if they're going to.  Aside from them looking horrible, showing through even the darkest of nail polishes (I'm trying chocolate brown next) they feel weird and loose but thankfully don't hurt as bad as they did.  I have to also be careful not to get them infected, wearing gloves in the kitchen with raw meat, etc.  The neuropathy pain in general in my hands, feet and legs is improving, praise the Lord.   Nighttime can still be the hardest especially after I've been on my feet and legs actively that day, but again, getting better and not needing to rely on the strong pain meds I once did.

CHEST TIGHTNESS since last surgery is, truthfully, worse than I imagined at this stage in the game.  I guess I had dreamy visions of feeling like a typical "boob job" patient who'd never had to have a mastectomy, or like my old self at least.  My plastic gave me a massage regimen to control the scar tissue which my body LOVES to make - supposed to do it every day for the rest of my life.  Really?!?  He also tells me my mind will adjust to the "new norm" of how it feels, some women take 3-5 years.  Really?!?  But, again, it IS BETTER than the tissue expanders and even with all I've been through in the reconstruction area, I'm sure I'd probably make the same decision again.

THE ARMS, THE ARMS, THE ARMS!  As many of you know this has been an area of constant prayer and need.  It was again in these last couple months.  After researching online in frustration after exercises seem to only make it tighter and worse right before surgery, I finally found a name for the particular issues I was having.  AXILLARY WEB SYNDROME.  Its newly understood by the medical establishment, some debate over the true cause, and has been a frustration for many breast cancer patients struggling with it who can't get answers.  Basically, its when the scar tissue after lymph node removal and mastectomy causes "cording" (think hard wires/cords) starting in the armpit (axilla) and running like vines down the inside of your elbow all the way to the wrist sometimes, which mine did.  It is painful, extremely limits your range of motion, even changes the look of your arms - you can see the cords causing dimpling bumpy areas.  This is different than normal post-mastectomy range of motion issues than can affect your shoulder without proper p.t.  AWS often requires specialized massage and manipulation by a trained lympathic p.t. who basically uses force to POP those cords of scar tissue to break them up, like breaking up ice.  This is what I went for two weeks in a row back to Scottie Bull in Leesburg (wonderful lady).  Being a lymphadema specialist she knows best how to mess with my arms in an attempt to minimize risk of lympadema swelling that might occur.  I was bruised and it hurt like heck, but I was SO GLAD to have an answer, AND it was remarkable to see the cords disappear afterward.  Now I can continue my stretching exercises like normal to help keep things loose.  On the flipside, my upper arms have felt tight, heavy and uncomfortable since then like they did after my first surgery.  I'm convinced it was slight lymphadema swelling from the workout they got, but it is getting better.  I focused on arm exercises in the ocean this weekend (which is the best thing for lymphadema).  I've prayed the Lord just take this away.  Its a constant battle and you HAVE to be your own health advocate carefully utilizing trusted sources as well as breast cancer forums where women help other women by sharing their stories.  That's where I found out about AWS.            

I'M SO THANKFUL my recent days are also filled with realizing that I'm on the other side of the mountain and enjoying things I don't take for granted now, like tasting and enjoying food again, getting away on vacation, drinking more water, taking evening walks with my husband to stay active, and only having to keep up with a couple of pills a day versus multiple regimens.  The follow-up doctor visits are simpler as well for the most part.  I'll see my oncologist again Thursday but at last visit my bloodwork was clear of cancer.  PTL!  Tamoxifen pills so far have only given me increased hot flashes, which are no fun, but I can live with them.  I enjoyed a wonderful weekend at the beach with my family.  SO GOOD to do something other than CANCER.  I even threw off the hat and let my almost bald head show to the beach world, and you know, I didn't even care!  You know the old expression - "WATCHING GRASS GROW"?  Well that's what I'm doing with my hair, and about that speed!

RECOVERING FROM SURGERY

RECOVERING FROM SURGERY yet once again and doing well.  Plastic surgeon was right, not near as bad as first time around, but I'm trying to take it slow...sorta.  As some of you know, we went in for planned surgery Monday before last, I was dressed in the gown in pre-op and about to be anesthesized, when nurse (going over my meds) realized I had only been off Ibruprofen for four days, not 7-10 days required in my situation.  Somehow this info was dropped through the cracks between Dr. and surgical center who called me with the pre-op details.  Ibruprofen, such as Advil, thins your blood and destroys your platelets which we need to form clotting after a surgery.  With me being recently off chemo, they wouldn't take any chances.  Long story short...after shedding a few frustrating tears, I agreed it was the right thing to do to postpone until the following Monday.

SO THIS PAST MONDAY, we head down to Tampa once again to get it done.  This time, believe it or not, my throat had started hurting badly, I ached, and a sinus condition (I assume) had started progressing.  There was no way I was going to let them send me home again, so I prayed I wouldn't die under anesthesia and chose to play down these new little details.  I didn't die, but got to suffer through a sinus infection while recovering from surgery.  Lucky me!  Both conditions are improving, but my strength is low again and I can't drive for another couple of weeks yet.

I HAVE GREAT FRIENDS who cart me to Dr.'s appts., cook delicious dinners after surgery, bring me chocolate bar treats, and get me out of the house to see a chick flick on occasion.  I even went last week (pre-surgery) with my sister to Zumba, where I barely made it through the first couple of songs before hitting the floor to watch.  I told her it was no wonder she looks great and has lost so much weight...quite a workout!  I hope to join as soon as I can to keep my weight off.  Speaking of that, I must say, while not the easiest weight-lose plan by any means, I'm delighted to have shed 30 LBS. since my first surgery 10 months ago.  30 LBS.!!!!!  Now the trick will be keeping it off now that I just started Tamoxifen pills daily which will block estrogen in my body which feeds my type of breast cancer.

PICKING UP MY OLDEST SON from the airport tonight.  He's been in California with our dear YOUNG friends (lol), the Shireys, helping with their youth VBS.  We've missed him.  I love both my sons SO MUCH, our sweet Sami, and of course my ever-patient husband.  I'm blessed!





 

NEXT SURGERY

HELLO MY DEAR AND SUPPORTIVE FRIENDS.  I'm glad to say I've felt stronger today than in a long time.  Got all the laundry done, walked, did my arm exercises, cleaned a bathroom (with the help of my son, Cayler) cooked supper and...well that's about it, but that's pretty darn good for me lately.

WE SAW MY PLASTIC SURGEON yesterday for the first time in the several months due to the weekly chemo decision.  Bottom line - I opted to go ahead with the next phase of my reconstruction which means surgery this coming Monday.  This surgery will be to swap out the ROCK HARD tissue expanders that have been there since the bilateral mastectomy for the permanent silicone implants.  You can't imagine how great it will feel to get those out as they have been a constant source of discomfort since day one - basically like having two bricks under the skin refusing to budge.  My surgeon told me this surgery, while not as painful afterward as the mastectomy (I asked him to "promise"), will require 4-6 weeks of recovery.  This was a main reason we quickly opted to take the opening he had in his surgery schedule for this Monday.  No drains afterward either...yaah!  We figured also, that while I'm still aching and recovering and getting my strength back from chemo, why not be aching and recovering from this inevitable surgery as well at the same time.  Convalescing, Kenny calls it.  My goal is to restart radiography school in August so time is of the essence.  Chop, chop!  Bad wording I guess.

SPEAKING OF RADIOGRAPHY...last Friday I was so blessed to be able to attend the graduation ceremony of the fellow students I left behind when I went on medical leave.  They spent the last year finishing their senior year and many of them have already landed jobs which is great news.  It was a wonderful night at the Holiday Inn Conference Center in Ocala.  We sat with our dear friends Nicole and her husband Jamie and cheered her on as she received a special award for her GPA.  There were about 300 people in attendance including the 24 students, their families, faculty of the program and CF, as well as many hospital and imaging center personnel.  IT WAS SO GOOD to see everyone and feel their loving support and hugs.  I couldn't have been more honored when Nicole presented me a special award on behalf of the class for inspiration and courage.  Her words were generous and as beautiful as she is.  I was truly humbled and touched.  As much as I would have loved to be graduating with them that night, I truly felt pride and joy in my heart for each one of them because I know how hard they each worked to get there.  It was encouraging.

The keynote speaker, Dr. Jordan, encouraged the graduates to never forget that the patients they see are often scared, in pain, confused, and in need of the techs assistance, and to always treat them with compassion.  Nothing will teach you that lesson more than being the patient yourself.  So when I look at it that way - I guess during this past year, I've still been "in school" learning the most valuable lesson of all - TO CARE. 

DRAWING DOWN OF CHEMO TROOPS

THIS WEEK...VERY ROUGH, even though I expected as much.  Yesterday and today, DEFINITE upswing.  Praise the Lord!  Having had my final chemo last Thursday (can I hear a "whoop-whoop"?) the toxicity levels in my body have been at their all time highest this week causing the aches and pains of various kinds to stretch my resolve.  Before yesterday, most of my days were spent sleeping in, taking my meds, then holding down the couch or recliner.  Is it possible to watch every single Food Network and/or Cooking Channel program there is straight in a row?  I THINK IT IS!  I even watched some British chick named Nijela(?) who gave all her measurements in grams.  Now tell me how is that of use to us lazy Americans who refused to learn the metric system?  I flipped back to Paula Deen.  "One stick of butta, ya'll".  Now THAT I can understand.

MORNINGS WERE HARD, but night time had seemed to be the worst and I would dread it.  I would lay there with my heating pad and propping pillows, as my pain seemed to thumb its nose at my long digested strong pain pills.  As I've probably mentioned before, I've grown a renewed appreciation for those who suffer in chronic pain, and I'm sure mine doesn't touch the surface of what many deal with.  I'd find myself praying in those long hours in the dark room waiting for sleep to overtake me.  Praying for myself, obviously.  "There is power in the name of Jesus, there is healing in the name of Jesus, there is strength in the name of Jesus"  over and over.  Then would find myself instantaneously praying for someone else's pain, pleading the Lord to have mercy and give relief to many of you even.  I take no credit for this, but see the whole thing as such a God thing.  If he took all our pains away immediately, we'd probably jump up, brush ourselves off, and go back to our busy selfish lives, not giving much thought to others.  God's ways are not our ways.

NO MATTER WHAT YOUR OPINION MIGHT BE ON CHOOSING TO TAKE CHEMO, no one will argue that as we often say, "the treatment is as bad as the disease".  I have my different opinions on chemo for different situations, but I obviously embraced this life-saving arsenal and accepted its good and its bad.  The chemo drugs are like our troops going to war (within my body) to search out and find the bad guys - the "Al qaeda cancer" living within and threatening my very existence.  With any war, its not neat and tidy.  There are many innocent casualties of this chemo war, like my fingernails, aching bones and joints, taste buds, hair, eyebrows and lashes, chest, arms and physical strength, to name a few.  And let's not forget my brave breasts who were sacrificed on the front lines early on in this war on breast cancer.  They deserve the purple heart for sure.  And even now that this part of the war is declared over, I realize that the "drawing down of troops" does not happen overnight, and so it is with my body.  It will take time and I'm trying to be patient.

BEING MEMORIAL DAY WEEK, we had the privilege of riding one evening through the National Veterans cemetery a few miles from our home.  I encourage any of you who can, take the day sometime, make the trip and drive through especially with your child or your teenager.  We have to be reminded that its so much more than a steak or slab of ribs on the grill on Memorial Day or a suntan day at the beach.  Nothing will do that more than visiting this sacred and beautifully hard place.  The lush green perfectly manicured grounds and waving line of flags pointing the way to those endless white and gray head stones that seem to go on forever in perfect military alignment over quiet rolling green hills.  As we stopped and walked through to find Kenny's granddaddy Hall's stone, he spoke such words of truth, that "every one of these has a story".  Driving through with the windows down I found myself really proud for the first time to be from little Bushnell - the recipient of such an honorable and important place to so many military families who sacrificed so much.

My troubles....minimal.

LAST CHEMO!

I'M FINALLY BACK TO MY BLOG...I'M WAY OVERDUE, but let me start with the good news I received yesterday from my oncologist and then I'll digress.  Kenny and I headed to Tampa dragging myself to what I thought was my second to last weekly chemo.  On top of that, I was certain that once Dr. Wright saw how bad my fingernails looked from the increasing neuropathy, that he would insist I take this week off to "come up for air" as he puts it.  Last week when Tyler (my oldest son) took me to chemo, Linda my nurse said that they would give me chemo that day but the Dr. would probably have me skip the next.  SO...I had been trying to mentally prep myself for three more weeks of this dragging on and to be honest, I didn't know if I could survive.  But back to the good news!  When he came in to the room I began asking him about my symptoms and was prepared to plead my case as to why I wanted to trudge on through and NOT skip a week, I could handle the discomfort, I just needed to get these last two overwith.  We talked for a few minutes then, he looked on the computer and said that no, this was actually my last one.  Kenny and I could hardly believe our ears.  We made him double check several times assured he was mistaken.  All three of us were all smiles.  I think my exact words were "Praise the Lord, Holy Cow!"  I couldn't wipe the smile off my face as we walked back to the infusion room and greeted the nurses with the good news.  I had planned to bring goodies for the nurses on my last chemo and make it a celebration as many patients do, so I felt like I was totally unprepared for my "party".  Kenny and I found an empty chair and shed a few tears at the moment knowing it would be my last time in that chair.  He then made a sign on his laptop and took my picture to share on Facebook with friends and family.

I WAS DELIGHTED to be able to see three goods friends I'd made who were having chemo at the same time.  A dear sweet Christian school teacher Betty battling lymphoma and it was her last day too.  Linda, a sweet lady who we met early on and we would always look for each other.  Then in came dear Pat, a powerhouse precious Christian lady battling breast cancer as well who always encouraged me that God was going to do it for both of us, to which I would reply, "I know it Pat, I believe it."  I exchanged info. with each one and hope to keep in touch with these ladies who have become dear to me.  There is a bond you can't explain until you've been there.  The same with my nurses, especially Jean, who loved on me like a mother and call me "pretty lady".  I won't miss chemo, but I WILL oddly miss going there and seeing all these precious people who were part of my fight.  I go back to see the doctor in one month to do blood check and will then start my 5-yr. daily Tamoxifen pill, the next step in my arsenal to keep this nasty breasty cancer from coming back.  More of that later.

THIS GOOD NEWS came in the nick of time for me as I said earlier, the last few weeks I hadn't even felt like sitting at the computer to blog, just didn't have the mental or physical energy.  I barely made it to church and a few other outings with the help of pain pills.  I would joyfully tell those who asked "how many more treatments", "two more weeks", to which they would understandably smile and say "Yah, just two more!".  But inside I was dreading every minute, every hour of those two more weeks because the last three or four weeks had drug by and felt like an eternity, so much slower than the first half of my chemo.  I know it was because my body and my mind and spirit had reached a low weak point.  I'd take long hot baths to relieve the aches.  I had been making a hard effort to walk almost every day down my road and back to try to get some exercise.  The last week had become very hard as I was feeling myself getting weaker.  I would take my time on my walks, cry out toward an open sky to God to let me feel his presence.  I would talk to the cows and stop and smell the confederate jasmin on my neighbor's fence.  I was bored, lonely, or going a little crazy, one or the other.

I'D SHARED WITH KENNY that I had been feeling peod, aggrivated, frustrated, even mad at God I guess or just in general.  I tried hard not to let my family see this.  Then it came to me, maybe God was hiding himself even, letting me get mad to bring out the grit I was needing to make it through those last weeks.  I invisioned myself as Rocky Balboa in those infamous final bloody rounds in the ring.  Where his eyes are all swollen, blood dripping from his lips, and his body too weak to continue.  His short graspy voiced coach would antagonize him, and even get rough with him and make him get back in that ring.  He didn't care if Rocky got mad at him in the process.  I guess God's upheld palms are tough enough and loving enough to handle my fist jabs of anger if that's what I need the most.

I'M ALSO NOW CONVINCED that God foreknew where my breaking point would be, and weeks ago he let me get confused with my calendar of how many treatments I had left so that he could give me this refreshing pick-me-up of finding out that I was DONE ALREADY!  According to my doctor, I'll feel like crap for about a month while this last chemo works its way out.  And I know I have a long way to go yet with two surgeries and gaining back my strength and feeling over time, but its great to know I'm on my way back up and I can do this!  Dr. Wright said I would be like Samson - my growing hair would be an outward indication of my returning strength.  Grow hair grow!

 

RELAY FOR LIFE

KENNY AND I PARTICIPATED IN RELAY FOR LIFE this past weekend.  This is the first one I have ever participated in and it was a special evening.  Relay for Life rallies/walks are held by communities to raise support and awareness for cancer victims and survivors on behalf of American Cancer Society.  I was proud to see our different community groups; businesses, schools, churches and other groups sponsoring booths and walking for this great cause.  In our time when almost everyone has been touched by cancer themselves or within their families, its a great show of support by our community.  After the opening ceremonies, all the cancer survivors lined up and each came to the mic to say their name and how many years cancer free, as well as be presented a special medal.  I was set back at how emotional it made me being in that line with all those brave warriors who battled their own journey through cancer and all that it includes.  It was especially emotional to see my Aunt Joy right behind me declaring her victory, "one month cancer free"!



Then all of us were led in a "Victory Round" the first lap around the track being cheered on by kind supporters outlining the track.  SO EMOTIONAL especially to have my husband by my side who drove like a crazy person from work in Orlando stuck in traffic just because he would not let me do it alone.  I didn't realize what a big deal it was to me until that very moment.













We also purchased memory luminary sacs decorated by school children in honor of my mom and Kenny's grandfather.  The bags lined the track and were lit after dark for a very special candlelight memory lap in honor of your loved ones.  I'm THANKFUL to all the people who worked so hard to make it a success.

I'M STILL PRAYING AND CONSIDERING the support group idea for women.  Kenny and I thoroughly enjoyed talking to Lee Krauss at the Relay.  Lee loves the Lord and has an incredible testimony of healing from Esophageal cancer in 2004 where he was given about 2 weeks to live.  Lee has given back for several years now through a local support group he facilitates on the 2nd Monday of each month held at Odd Couples cafe.  Blessings to Lee for all his effort, love and concern.

I WISH I COULD SAY I'VE FELT BETTER but between the aches, the neuropathy and vomiting from nausea and acid reflux the last couple of days, its been a little rough.  But I know it will improve, just 5 more treatments to go!  I have an appt. for a medical massage tomorrow which I'm hoping will help.  Despite it all, I'm still blessed beyond measure and grateful for all the support and love from my family and friends.

NEUROPATHY

HAD CHEMO YESTERDAY - 6 MORE WEEKLY CHEMO'S TO GO AND COUNTING DOWN!  And boy was it a busy day around the clinic!  The nurses were really hustling with backed up patients, IV pumps beeping in crazy harmony all down the room as they apologetically tried to get to each one, and none of the nurses were able to take a lunch.  They were grabbing mouthfuls at best when they could - and if anybody deserves to clockout and sit down for at least thirty minutes away from the chaos, its an oncology nurse.  I have to give a shout out of appreciation, admiration, and respect to the nursing staff there at Florida Cancer Specialists in Tampa - Jean, Ginger, Jen, Linda, and Melissa.  From day one each one has been awesome, very patient, professional, kind and helpful and treat each of us like we're their only patient.  I treated them a couple of weeks ago with a Brown Sugar Poundcake I made and they were so appreciative.  It felt like such a small payback for all they do for me.  Actually the whole staff at FCS is great from my Dr. and PA, to the front desk staff, phlebotomists and even the insurance girl who has to take money from me - she's does it with a patient smile.

NEUROPATHY IS THE SYMPTOM OF THE HOUR, a side effect from the chemo causing nerve tingling and numbness in hands and feet off and on, sometimes more painful than others.  Since the neuropathy started my arms and chest wall are tighter and more uncomfortable like they had been earlier which I'm attributing to the heightened nerves.  They put me on 800 units a day of Vitamin E which takes time, but is supposed to help.  If not, there are drugs like Neurotin they can prescribe if it gets too bad.  I will try to avoid that.  The neuropathy is common and can take sometimes a year to go away - eek!  Not something I want to think about with clinicals (hopefully) starting back for me in August!  Dr. Wright wants me to skip a week next week of chemo and give my body a break especially with the neuropathy getting worse.  He's hoping that will calm it down some.  I'm grateful for the break, but know that it just delays the finish a little longer.  How about we skip the next 6 treatments and the final two surgeries too??  A girl can dream.  

MY NEWEST PAIN PILL, Tramadol, works okay.  Supposed to be better than too much Ibruprofen, and not as addictive as the hydrocodone, but gave me nausea issues last week which I'd hadn't had to deal with to that degree since I finished the A/C drug.  Besides all that...I'm doing pretty good!  Like my husband likes to say..."Besides that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?"  LOL.

Cheryl and I 

ENJOYED A GOOD EASTER WEEKEND.  Helped with our church's annual Easter Egg Outreach at the football field, then enjoyed lunch with my father-in-law, Steve and his wife Dona who were in town for a few days.  Sunday service our choir performed with all of our energy and passion proclaiming the resurrection.  Then Sunday lunch was at my sister's for good food and fun with all the cousins.

Tyler, Brittni, Ashley, Derek

Cayler and Sami

A FRIEND'S FIGHT

A DEAR FRIEND AND FELLOW CANCER WARRIOR finished her battle and went home to be with the Lord on Monday.  I'm so thankful that I was able to tell Renee once again during her stay at MRMC two weeks ago that she was such a strong inspiration to me in my battle, and how I thought of her when I needed strength.  She fought liver cancer for several years now and was a beautiful 57 yr. old woman, wife, mother, grandmother, Christian, and had even received her masters in nursing in recent years.  I believe she trusted the Lord's sovereignty to the end even when she didn't understand and fought the normal fears that anyone of us would have faced in her situation.  I was inspired and emotionally moved as she continued to makes steps toward her faith in God, and desired to do ministry for Him right up until the end.  Renee had been moved to a hospice house in the Villages for the last week where loving family members surrounded her and graciously allowed friends like us, and church family to come to sit with her and them.

PLEASE REMEMBER the Juderjahn family in your prayers, praying for the peace and comfort only our Lord can bring.  I pray for only a portion of the courage she displayed.  In loving memory.

SUPPORT GROUP?

HI FRIENDS AND FAMILY, I'm thankful for a good week since my chemo last Thursday.  As I've said that was the first of 9 smaller weekly doses and SO FAR, the first one at least was very manageable.  I was able to go and do with minimal symptoms.  The aches seemed to kick in bad late at night, but not bad every  night thank God.  I do realize the subsequent doses will be accumulative, but I'm hoping for the best.

I'VE HAD A DESIRE to try out a monthly breast cancer support group but because of surgeries, chemo, etc. getting in the way, I just yesterday was able to make a meeting up in Ocala.  I found the info. online through American Cancer Society webpage.  There's another one listed in the Villages, but they meet on Thursdays which is my chemo day.  The one in Ocala met in a Methodist church and the small group of ladies were all so sweet and welcoming; however, I was the youngest there among mostly older retired ladies which I realize is the largest age group to get breast cancer.  They had a guest speaker there, a plastic surgeon who discussed briefly the different options for breast reconstruction which I'm already fully engaged in.  It was informative though and I learned I still had some options.

I'VE HAD A NAGGING DESIRE/NEED/THOUGHT as to whether I should start my own breast cancer support group in our area.  It doesn't even have to be limited to breast cancer necessarily.  I know of several women in our small community who have been recently diagnosed or have battled in the last couple of years with cancer.  I'm trying to decide the true need here and whether its just me.  I'll need to pray about this and ask the Lord for guidance, but I'm just throwing this out there to my readers especially those who fall in this category.  Would this be something of value to you that could be a lifeline and help with the isolation that cancer can bring?  I know most of us are blessed with a wonderful support system of family, church and friends, but its a shame we can't all come together as cancer patients on a regular basis (say monthly) and lift each other up or share information.  I remember in the early weeks especially, I would have jumped at this.

I'd value any feedback on this and if this doesn't apply to you, perhaps you could pass it on to your friend or loved one who could give their opinion.      

"HITTIN THE WALL"

KENNY AND I ENJOYED SOME MUCH NEEDED TIME AWAY this Monday and Tuesday night.  We used some Hilton points he had accumulated and stayed in Orlando.  Tuesday we even took the big step of splurging on Epcot not knowing how I'd do with all the walking.  We took it slow and enjoyed most of the park with the finale of laser lights and fireworks at closing that only Disney can do.  SO good to get our minds on other things.

I HAVE TO GIVE A SHOUT OUT to the encouraging and supportive nature of cancer survivors everywhere - especially fellow breast cancer survivors.  As I've said early on, it is a close sorority that you never signed up for.  I decided to wear to Epcot my pink "Fight Like A Girl - Breast Cancer Survivor" t-shirt and hat Brittni my niece bought me.  I thought since I'd get my fair share of stares all day from the scarf draped head, I'd go ahead and give people the answer they were curious about through letting them read my t-shirt on their own as we all stood in those long circling lines waiting to get on a ride, everyone staring at everyone.  Little did I know that I would have the opportunity to meet and speak with several fellow survivors over the day at Epcot.  The first dear lady in her 60's we met was 2 yrs. post mastectomy/reconstruction, no chemo.  Her and her husband stood right behind us in the 1-hr. (yes, I said 1-hr.!) line to get on "Soarin" (which WAS a great simulated hang-gliding ride, BTW).  We had a long time to talk to her and her husband about her experience.  It's amazing how even with a stranger, you can pick up and immediately begin talking the cancer-ese language with someone who totally "gets it" and doesn't need translation.  She was doing well now and encouraged me that the "permanents" are so much better/softer than the tissue expanders I like to call "rocks".  Good to know!

WE SHARED A CROWDED TABLE at lunch with a sweet Christian black woman and her friend who we quickly bonded with in the Lord.  She noticed my shirt and told us of her daughter in her 20's who was post melanoma cancer and now doing her sociology dissertation on cancer survivors.  We exchanged cards at the end and wished blessings on each family.  Then later while drying my hands in the restroom, a sweet woman about my age, tapped me on the shoulder briefly and said "I was just where you were 2 yrs. ago, and I want you to know there's light at the end of the tunnel, hang in there!". Such precious words, and great hair she had!  So neat to meet such encouraging people, ones I wouldn't have met if I'd have scratched the t-shirt and hid behind a hot, itchy wig all day, which I DID consider.

UNFORTUNATELY, our fun did have to end and I had chemo yesterday, the smaller dose this time.  I'll go again every week for the next 8-9 weeks, but so far today the symptoms are minimal, PTL!  Let's hope that continues.  In reference to my last blog about my mind battle last week, I DID speak to my oncologist about that.  He conferred that goofed up hormone levels could definitely play into the severity.  He also shared with me that he was not surprised to hear me tell him about the depression.  He sees it in a lot of his patients around this point in their treatment...he called it "hitting the wall" and compared it to the 17th mile for runners in a marathon.  You're tired, tired of it, gone through much already and yet aren't close to the end.  He said, like runners as they get closer to the light at the end will get that boost in their mental spirits as will cancer patients.  Good to know I wasn't just mentally weaker than I thought and we did talk about how to take the medications I needed when I needed them.

WHILE CANCER SURVIVORS are of great support, I continue to shout out thanks to ALL my loving supporters including Diane Green and her husband Roger, members of my church, who felt led to shave their heads to support me.  WOW!  Certainly not expected...but how sweet.

BATTLE OF THE MIND!

AT THE BOTTOM OF MY BLOG TODAY you'll find an incerpt that I've pasted from another breast cancer survivor, Brenda Coffee, whose blog I follow.  It's on the healing power of music.  Her subject was very timely for me and so I thought I'd pass it on for someone else.  Here's why...

I HAVE RELUCTANTLY decided to share with you that this past week I struggled, sometimes deeply, with depression at times.  While I did indeed had a good and MUCH better physical week, it was replaced with a cloud of nagging unsettled sadness, unmovitation, boredom, despair, and even panic at times -  and FOR NO GOOD REASON.  "Well, you have cancer"...you might say, "isn't that a good enough reason?"  Perhaps so, and I do want to find the balance between giving myself a break and not feeling guilty for the occasional blues AND YET not falling prey to the deep hole of the mind that one can easily slip into if not on guard.  It was so troubling this week that part of me would have rather been physically sick than struggle with my mind.  I believe if anyone has "been there", you'll understand what I'm saying.

MY RATIONALE reminded me that I am SO BLESSED with SO MUCH to be thankful for AND relatively small issues compared to so many, yet depression is not usually rational.  The worst part is that my family has to take care of me enough when I'm physically down and can't help it...it PAINS me to add unnecessary baggage for them to have to live with or feel compelled to "fix".  Besides that, I'm a woman of faith and while I do believe in using outside medical help on occasion in this area, I DO want to exercise the tools God gives me to overcome.  One of those being the area of music and the article I'm including below.  One of the reasons I SO enjoy praise and worship time at church as well as the love and fellowship of my friends there...it is good for the soul and mind.  I will try to actively work on that more at home this week and turn off the depressing news or deafening quiet of my mind.  By faith, I WILL get through this "symptom" as well and will also talk to my oncologist as to the possible roll of hormones going haywire due to chemo.

I APPRECIATE ALL THE PRAYERS that have already been raised for me and was somewhat reluctant to share so honestly in this blog.  My intent is not for your sympathy or to pass my burden on to so many of my dear friends and family who are already praying and reaching out.  But rather, something tells me that there are many more around us everyday who are fighting the same battle of the mind, even good strong believers, who need some light shined on them - I believe depression thrives and grows like a cancer in darkness and solitude, at least it does for me.  SO I PROCLAIM THIS FROM THE ROOFTOP OF MY MIND!...
For God, who said, “Let light shine out of darkness,” made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of God’s glory displayed in the face of Christ.  2 Corinthians 4:5-7

Here's Brenda's blog incerpt...hope you find it helpful!

The other night I watched a rerun of Diane Sawyer’s interview with former US Congresswoman, Gabby Giffords, and her astronaut husband, Mark Kelley. The interview was the first time the public had seen Giffords since she’d been shot in the head at point blank range. Watching her radiant easy smile, I realized her healing journey has been nothing short of miraculous. Near death when she arrived at the hospital, Gabby Giffords suffered a major brain injury that necessitated temporary removal of a piece of her skull. The injury also forced her to learn to talk, walk, read and reason all over again, and surprisingly, the tool her therapists found to be most helpful was music. According to scientists, nothing activates the brain like music, especially in the case of severe brain injuries like Gabby Giffords. Music has a unique multi-dimensional power to change the way our brain strings words together; it helps us learn to walk again, and it increases the dopamine levels that produce a positive affect on our sense of well-being. Sometime last Fall, I remember singing along to Cyndi Lauper’s Girls Just Want to Have Fun on my car radio. At first my voice was tentative and soft, but it wasn’t long before I was singing with everything I had, and in that moment, I forgot James died. I forgot that most every area of my life was drenched in grief and betrayal, and in that moment, I wasn’t a widow or a breast cancer survivor, I was my usual happy upbeat self. Amazed at my happy outburst, I remember thinking that on some level, my healing had begun. For many of us, healing is an ongoing process. Whether it’s physical or emotional, cancer, betrayal or grief, the torn and fractured pieces of our mind and body continue to knit themselves together, again. We gain strength and draw comfort from the prayers of those around us, the compassion of our medical team and from the examples of those who’ve gone before us like Gabby Giffords and Mark Kelley. Gabby and Mark underscore what many of us already know: When the life we planned is not the life we’re living, we must dig deep and summon the courage and determination to map out a new life. In Diane Sawyer’s interview, Gabby Giffords and her therapists sang Girls Just Want to Have Fun, and in that moment, Gabby was radiant and whole. It made me think back to that day in my car when I sang the same song with joy and abandonment;how the healing power of that happy song lifted me out of my grief.  Music makes new pathways in the areas of the brain that control memory, emotion, even movement. Our body naturally wants to align itself with the rhythms of our environment. What rhythms are part of your environment? Are they the stories on the news about murders and robberies or, like Gabby Giffords, do you surround yourself with music and examples of courage and survivorship? If you can’t remember the last time you sang at the top of your voice then it’s been too long, my friends. Like Gabby Giffords, we may be beaten up around the edges, but we’re not beaten.  Sing, dear ones, and heal well!

TAXOTERE IS THE DEVIL!

COMING BACK FROM A HARD WEEK AND A HALF.  A week ago this past Thursday was my half-way point with chemo.  I was given the chemo drug Taxotere which my oncologist explained had recently proven slightly more effective than the Taxol we had planned to take.  Side effects would be about the same.  He gave me the option though of continuing to take it in a once-every three-week dose like I've been taking the A/C, OR break it into smaller doses which would require me coming in for infusions once a week for the three weeks for 12 weeks.  I opted to take the full three-week dose to keep from coming so often, plus I'd heard all along that A/C was "the beast" and that I should find Taxotere or Taxol a little easier.  BOTTOM LINE - THIS STUFF KNOCKED ME ON MY BUTT!  By mid-week I was so weak and sick (much of which I can't even remember) I was back down to Tampa on Wed., Thurs. and Friday getting IV fluids again, looking like death warmed over.  My oncologist felt so bad and agreed the Taxotere was too much for me.  At my next chemo on 3/22, I'll take the three smaller doses weekly instead and will revert back to Taxol.  NOW I JUST HAVE TO RECOVER FROM THIS FIRST HEAVY DOSE and get this all out of my system.

I'VE NEVER BEEN SO WEAK thus far in my treatments as the last few days.  Body aches all over, bone tired weak feeling, taste buds all goofed up, among other things.  Sometimes sitting in a warm bathtub was my best friend.  Today's the first day I've felt like sitting at the computer and catching up.  "STRONGER BACK, STRONGER BACK" has been my central prayer over this past week and I know He came through for me.  Feeling stronger today and praying it continues over this week.

TALKING WITH A DEAR AND BRAVE FRIEND going through her own battle with cancer, we agreed that the constant and continual barrage of one-symptom-after-another is what can get you down mentally.  If its not one thing, its another, kind of thing.  She's an inspiration to me and I'd be blessed to have half the guts she does!  Thanks once again this week to my friends and loved ones for the prayers, emails, cards and food...you are all a blessing!

ONE FUNNY MOMENT OF THE WEEK...as my sweet nurse Jean was hooking me up to my IV fluids on Wednesday, I was puking in my little pink basin, so sick and looking pretty bad I admit.  The chatty older gentleman patient next to us getting his infusion began to tell Kenny how happy he was with the nursing/living facility his wife had found for him and offered to pass on the info to Kenny.  Kenny cheerfully thanked him and Jean ended up moving me to a room where I could lay down, but Kenny and I laughed later about the little man trying to send me away to a nursing home already.  You gotta laugh!