RECOVERING FROM SURGERY

RECOVERING FROM SURGERY yet once again and doing well.  Plastic surgeon was right, not near as bad as first time around, but I'm trying to take it slow...sorta.  As some of you know, we went in for planned surgery Monday before last, I was dressed in the gown in pre-op and about to be anesthesized, when nurse (going over my meds) realized I had only been off Ibruprofen for four days, not 7-10 days required in my situation.  Somehow this info was dropped through the cracks between Dr. and surgical center who called me with the pre-op details.  Ibruprofen, such as Advil, thins your blood and destroys your platelets which we need to form clotting after a surgery.  With me being recently off chemo, they wouldn't take any chances.  Long story short...after shedding a few frustrating tears, I agreed it was the right thing to do to postpone until the following Monday.

SO THIS PAST MONDAY, we head down to Tampa once again to get it done.  This time, believe it or not, my throat had started hurting badly, I ached, and a sinus condition (I assume) had started progressing.  There was no way I was going to let them send me home again, so I prayed I wouldn't die under anesthesia and chose to play down these new little details.  I didn't die, but got to suffer through a sinus infection while recovering from surgery.  Lucky me!  Both conditions are improving, but my strength is low again and I can't drive for another couple of weeks yet.

I HAVE GREAT FRIENDS who cart me to Dr.'s appts., cook delicious dinners after surgery, bring me chocolate bar treats, and get me out of the house to see a chick flick on occasion.  I even went last week (pre-surgery) with my sister to Zumba, where I barely made it through the first couple of songs before hitting the floor to watch.  I told her it was no wonder she looks great and has lost so much weight...quite a workout!  I hope to join as soon as I can to keep my weight off.  Speaking of that, I must say, while not the easiest weight-lose plan by any means, I'm delighted to have shed 30 LBS. since my first surgery 10 months ago.  30 LBS.!!!!!  Now the trick will be keeping it off now that I just started Tamoxifen pills daily which will block estrogen in my body which feeds my type of breast cancer.

PICKING UP MY OLDEST SON from the airport tonight.  He's been in California with our dear YOUNG friends (lol), the Shireys, helping with their youth VBS.  We've missed him.  I love both my sons SO MUCH, our sweet Sami, and of course my ever-patient husband.  I'm blessed!





 

NEXT SURGERY

HELLO MY DEAR AND SUPPORTIVE FRIENDS.  I'm glad to say I've felt stronger today than in a long time.  Got all the laundry done, walked, did my arm exercises, cleaned a bathroom (with the help of my son, Cayler) cooked supper and...well that's about it, but that's pretty darn good for me lately.

WE SAW MY PLASTIC SURGEON yesterday for the first time in the several months due to the weekly chemo decision.  Bottom line - I opted to go ahead with the next phase of my reconstruction which means surgery this coming Monday.  This surgery will be to swap out the ROCK HARD tissue expanders that have been there since the bilateral mastectomy for the permanent silicone implants.  You can't imagine how great it will feel to get those out as they have been a constant source of discomfort since day one - basically like having two bricks under the skin refusing to budge.  My surgeon told me this surgery, while not as painful afterward as the mastectomy (I asked him to "promise"), will require 4-6 weeks of recovery.  This was a main reason we quickly opted to take the opening he had in his surgery schedule for this Monday.  No drains afterward either...yaah!  We figured also, that while I'm still aching and recovering and getting my strength back from chemo, why not be aching and recovering from this inevitable surgery as well at the same time.  Convalescing, Kenny calls it.  My goal is to restart radiography school in August so time is of the essence.  Chop, chop!  Bad wording I guess.

SPEAKING OF RADIOGRAPHY...last Friday I was so blessed to be able to attend the graduation ceremony of the fellow students I left behind when I went on medical leave.  They spent the last year finishing their senior year and many of them have already landed jobs which is great news.  It was a wonderful night at the Holiday Inn Conference Center in Ocala.  We sat with our dear friends Nicole and her husband Jamie and cheered her on as she received a special award for her GPA.  There were about 300 people in attendance including the 24 students, their families, faculty of the program and CF, as well as many hospital and imaging center personnel.  IT WAS SO GOOD to see everyone and feel their loving support and hugs.  I couldn't have been more honored when Nicole presented me a special award on behalf of the class for inspiration and courage.  Her words were generous and as beautiful as she is.  I was truly humbled and touched.  As much as I would have loved to be graduating with them that night, I truly felt pride and joy in my heart for each one of them because I know how hard they each worked to get there.  It was encouraging.

The keynote speaker, Dr. Jordan, encouraged the graduates to never forget that the patients they see are often scared, in pain, confused, and in need of the techs assistance, and to always treat them with compassion.  Nothing will teach you that lesson more than being the patient yourself.  So when I look at it that way - I guess during this past year, I've still been "in school" learning the most valuable lesson of all - TO CARE. 

DRAWING DOWN OF CHEMO TROOPS

THIS WEEK...VERY ROUGH, even though I expected as much.  Yesterday and today, DEFINITE upswing.  Praise the Lord!  Having had my final chemo last Thursday (can I hear a "whoop-whoop"?) the toxicity levels in my body have been at their all time highest this week causing the aches and pains of various kinds to stretch my resolve.  Before yesterday, most of my days were spent sleeping in, taking my meds, then holding down the couch or recliner.  Is it possible to watch every single Food Network and/or Cooking Channel program there is straight in a row?  I THINK IT IS!  I even watched some British chick named Nijela(?) who gave all her measurements in grams.  Now tell me how is that of use to us lazy Americans who refused to learn the metric system?  I flipped back to Paula Deen.  "One stick of butta, ya'll".  Now THAT I can understand.

MORNINGS WERE HARD, but night time had seemed to be the worst and I would dread it.  I would lay there with my heating pad and propping pillows, as my pain seemed to thumb its nose at my long digested strong pain pills.  As I've probably mentioned before, I've grown a renewed appreciation for those who suffer in chronic pain, and I'm sure mine doesn't touch the surface of what many deal with.  I'd find myself praying in those long hours in the dark room waiting for sleep to overtake me.  Praying for myself, obviously.  "There is power in the name of Jesus, there is healing in the name of Jesus, there is strength in the name of Jesus"  over and over.  Then would find myself instantaneously praying for someone else's pain, pleading the Lord to have mercy and give relief to many of you even.  I take no credit for this, but see the whole thing as such a God thing.  If he took all our pains away immediately, we'd probably jump up, brush ourselves off, and go back to our busy selfish lives, not giving much thought to others.  God's ways are not our ways.

NO MATTER WHAT YOUR OPINION MIGHT BE ON CHOOSING TO TAKE CHEMO, no one will argue that as we often say, "the treatment is as bad as the disease".  I have my different opinions on chemo for different situations, but I obviously embraced this life-saving arsenal and accepted its good and its bad.  The chemo drugs are like our troops going to war (within my body) to search out and find the bad guys - the "Al qaeda cancer" living within and threatening my very existence.  With any war, its not neat and tidy.  There are many innocent casualties of this chemo war, like my fingernails, aching bones and joints, taste buds, hair, eyebrows and lashes, chest, arms and physical strength, to name a few.  And let's not forget my brave breasts who were sacrificed on the front lines early on in this war on breast cancer.  They deserve the purple heart for sure.  And even now that this part of the war is declared over, I realize that the "drawing down of troops" does not happen overnight, and so it is with my body.  It will take time and I'm trying to be patient.

BEING MEMORIAL DAY WEEK, we had the privilege of riding one evening through the National Veterans cemetery a few miles from our home.  I encourage any of you who can, take the day sometime, make the trip and drive through especially with your child or your teenager.  We have to be reminded that its so much more than a steak or slab of ribs on the grill on Memorial Day or a suntan day at the beach.  Nothing will do that more than visiting this sacred and beautifully hard place.  The lush green perfectly manicured grounds and waving line of flags pointing the way to those endless white and gray head stones that seem to go on forever in perfect military alignment over quiet rolling green hills.  As we stopped and walked through to find Kenny's granddaddy Hall's stone, he spoke such words of truth, that "every one of these has a story".  Driving through with the windows down I found myself really proud for the first time to be from little Bushnell - the recipient of such an honorable and important place to so many military families who sacrificed so much.

My troubles....minimal.

LAST CHEMO!

I'M FINALLY BACK TO MY BLOG...I'M WAY OVERDUE, but let me start with the good news I received yesterday from my oncologist and then I'll digress.  Kenny and I headed to Tampa dragging myself to what I thought was my second to last weekly chemo.  On top of that, I was certain that once Dr. Wright saw how bad my fingernails looked from the increasing neuropathy, that he would insist I take this week off to "come up for air" as he puts it.  Last week when Tyler (my oldest son) took me to chemo, Linda my nurse said that they would give me chemo that day but the Dr. would probably have me skip the next.  SO...I had been trying to mentally prep myself for three more weeks of this dragging on and to be honest, I didn't know if I could survive.  But back to the good news!  When he came in to the room I began asking him about my symptoms and was prepared to plead my case as to why I wanted to trudge on through and NOT skip a week, I could handle the discomfort, I just needed to get these last two overwith.  We talked for a few minutes then, he looked on the computer and said that no, this was actually my last one.  Kenny and I could hardly believe our ears.  We made him double check several times assured he was mistaken.  All three of us were all smiles.  I think my exact words were "Praise the Lord, Holy Cow!"  I couldn't wipe the smile off my face as we walked back to the infusion room and greeted the nurses with the good news.  I had planned to bring goodies for the nurses on my last chemo and make it a celebration as many patients do, so I felt like I was totally unprepared for my "party".  Kenny and I found an empty chair and shed a few tears at the moment knowing it would be my last time in that chair.  He then made a sign on his laptop and took my picture to share on Facebook with friends and family.

I WAS DELIGHTED to be able to see three goods friends I'd made who were having chemo at the same time.  A dear sweet Christian school teacher Betty battling lymphoma and it was her last day too.  Linda, a sweet lady who we met early on and we would always look for each other.  Then in came dear Pat, a powerhouse precious Christian lady battling breast cancer as well who always encouraged me that God was going to do it for both of us, to which I would reply, "I know it Pat, I believe it."  I exchanged info. with each one and hope to keep in touch with these ladies who have become dear to me.  There is a bond you can't explain until you've been there.  The same with my nurses, especially Jean, who loved on me like a mother and call me "pretty lady".  I won't miss chemo, but I WILL oddly miss going there and seeing all these precious people who were part of my fight.  I go back to see the doctor in one month to do blood check and will then start my 5-yr. daily Tamoxifen pill, the next step in my arsenal to keep this nasty breasty cancer from coming back.  More of that later.

THIS GOOD NEWS came in the nick of time for me as I said earlier, the last few weeks I hadn't even felt like sitting at the computer to blog, just didn't have the mental or physical energy.  I barely made it to church and a few other outings with the help of pain pills.  I would joyfully tell those who asked "how many more treatments", "two more weeks", to which they would understandably smile and say "Yah, just two more!".  But inside I was dreading every minute, every hour of those two more weeks because the last three or four weeks had drug by and felt like an eternity, so much slower than the first half of my chemo.  I know it was because my body and my mind and spirit had reached a low weak point.  I'd take long hot baths to relieve the aches.  I had been making a hard effort to walk almost every day down my road and back to try to get some exercise.  The last week had become very hard as I was feeling myself getting weaker.  I would take my time on my walks, cry out toward an open sky to God to let me feel his presence.  I would talk to the cows and stop and smell the confederate jasmin on my neighbor's fence.  I was bored, lonely, or going a little crazy, one or the other.

I'D SHARED WITH KENNY that I had been feeling peod, aggrivated, frustrated, even mad at God I guess or just in general.  I tried hard not to let my family see this.  Then it came to me, maybe God was hiding himself even, letting me get mad to bring out the grit I was needing to make it through those last weeks.  I invisioned myself as Rocky Balboa in those infamous final bloody rounds in the ring.  Where his eyes are all swollen, blood dripping from his lips, and his body too weak to continue.  His short graspy voiced coach would antagonize him, and even get rough with him and make him get back in that ring.  He didn't care if Rocky got mad at him in the process.  I guess God's upheld palms are tough enough and loving enough to handle my fist jabs of anger if that's what I need the most.

I'M ALSO NOW CONVINCED that God foreknew where my breaking point would be, and weeks ago he let me get confused with my calendar of how many treatments I had left so that he could give me this refreshing pick-me-up of finding out that I was DONE ALREADY!  According to my doctor, I'll feel like crap for about a month while this last chemo works its way out.  And I know I have a long way to go yet with two surgeries and gaining back my strength and feeling over time, but its great to know I'm on my way back up and I can do this!  Dr. Wright said I would be like Samson - my growing hair would be an outward indication of my returning strength.  Grow hair grow!

 

RELAY FOR LIFE

KENNY AND I PARTICIPATED IN RELAY FOR LIFE this past weekend.  This is the first one I have ever participated in and it was a special evening.  Relay for Life rallies/walks are held by communities to raise support and awareness for cancer victims and survivors on behalf of American Cancer Society.  I was proud to see our different community groups; businesses, schools, churches and other groups sponsoring booths and walking for this great cause.  In our time when almost everyone has been touched by cancer themselves or within their families, its a great show of support by our community.  After the opening ceremonies, all the cancer survivors lined up and each came to the mic to say their name and how many years cancer free, as well as be presented a special medal.  I was set back at how emotional it made me being in that line with all those brave warriors who battled their own journey through cancer and all that it includes.  It was especially emotional to see my Aunt Joy right behind me declaring her victory, "one month cancer free"!



Then all of us were led in a "Victory Round" the first lap around the track being cheered on by kind supporters outlining the track.  SO EMOTIONAL especially to have my husband by my side who drove like a crazy person from work in Orlando stuck in traffic just because he would not let me do it alone.  I didn't realize what a big deal it was to me until that very moment.













We also purchased memory luminary sacs decorated by school children in honor of my mom and Kenny's grandfather.  The bags lined the track and were lit after dark for a very special candlelight memory lap in honor of your loved ones.  I'm THANKFUL to all the people who worked so hard to make it a success.

I'M STILL PRAYING AND CONSIDERING the support group idea for women.  Kenny and I thoroughly enjoyed talking to Lee Krauss at the Relay.  Lee loves the Lord and has an incredible testimony of healing from Esophageal cancer in 2004 where he was given about 2 weeks to live.  Lee has given back for several years now through a local support group he facilitates on the 2nd Monday of each month held at Odd Couples cafe.  Blessings to Lee for all his effort, love and concern.

I WISH I COULD SAY I'VE FELT BETTER but between the aches, the neuropathy and vomiting from nausea and acid reflux the last couple of days, its been a little rough.  But I know it will improve, just 5 more treatments to go!  I have an appt. for a medical massage tomorrow which I'm hoping will help.  Despite it all, I'm still blessed beyond measure and grateful for all the support and love from my family and friends.

NEUROPATHY

HAD CHEMO YESTERDAY - 6 MORE WEEKLY CHEMO'S TO GO AND COUNTING DOWN!  And boy was it a busy day around the clinic!  The nurses were really hustling with backed up patients, IV pumps beeping in crazy harmony all down the room as they apologetically tried to get to each one, and none of the nurses were able to take a lunch.  They were grabbing mouthfuls at best when they could - and if anybody deserves to clockout and sit down for at least thirty minutes away from the chaos, its an oncology nurse.  I have to give a shout out of appreciation, admiration, and respect to the nursing staff there at Florida Cancer Specialists in Tampa - Jean, Ginger, Jen, Linda, and Melissa.  From day one each one has been awesome, very patient, professional, kind and helpful and treat each of us like we're their only patient.  I treated them a couple of weeks ago with a Brown Sugar Poundcake I made and they were so appreciative.  It felt like such a small payback for all they do for me.  Actually the whole staff at FCS is great from my Dr. and PA, to the front desk staff, phlebotomists and even the insurance girl who has to take money from me - she's does it with a patient smile.

NEUROPATHY IS THE SYMPTOM OF THE HOUR, a side effect from the chemo causing nerve tingling and numbness in hands and feet off and on, sometimes more painful than others.  Since the neuropathy started my arms and chest wall are tighter and more uncomfortable like they had been earlier which I'm attributing to the heightened nerves.  They put me on 800 units a day of Vitamin E which takes time, but is supposed to help.  If not, there are drugs like Neurotin they can prescribe if it gets too bad.  I will try to avoid that.  The neuropathy is common and can take sometimes a year to go away - eek!  Not something I want to think about with clinicals (hopefully) starting back for me in August!  Dr. Wright wants me to skip a week next week of chemo and give my body a break especially with the neuropathy getting worse.  He's hoping that will calm it down some.  I'm grateful for the break, but know that it just delays the finish a little longer.  How about we skip the next 6 treatments and the final two surgeries too??  A girl can dream.  

MY NEWEST PAIN PILL, Tramadol, works okay.  Supposed to be better than too much Ibruprofen, and not as addictive as the hydrocodone, but gave me nausea issues last week which I'd hadn't had to deal with to that degree since I finished the A/C drug.  Besides all that...I'm doing pretty good!  Like my husband likes to say..."Besides that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?"  LOL.

Cheryl and I 

ENJOYED A GOOD EASTER WEEKEND.  Helped with our church's annual Easter Egg Outreach at the football field, then enjoyed lunch with my father-in-law, Steve and his wife Dona who were in town for a few days.  Sunday service our choir performed with all of our energy and passion proclaiming the resurrection.  Then Sunday lunch was at my sister's for good food and fun with all the cousins.

Tyler, Brittni, Ashley, Derek

Cayler and Sami

A FRIEND'S FIGHT

A DEAR FRIEND AND FELLOW CANCER WARRIOR finished her battle and went home to be with the Lord on Monday.  I'm so thankful that I was able to tell Renee once again during her stay at MRMC two weeks ago that she was such a strong inspiration to me in my battle, and how I thought of her when I needed strength.  She fought liver cancer for several years now and was a beautiful 57 yr. old woman, wife, mother, grandmother, Christian, and had even received her masters in nursing in recent years.  I believe she trusted the Lord's sovereignty to the end even when she didn't understand and fought the normal fears that anyone of us would have faced in her situation.  I was inspired and emotionally moved as she continued to makes steps toward her faith in God, and desired to do ministry for Him right up until the end.  Renee had been moved to a hospice house in the Villages for the last week where loving family members surrounded her and graciously allowed friends like us, and church family to come to sit with her and them.

PLEASE REMEMBER the Juderjahn family in your prayers, praying for the peace and comfort only our Lord can bring.  I pray for only a portion of the courage she displayed.  In loving memory.

SUPPORT GROUP?

HI FRIENDS AND FAMILY, I'm thankful for a good week since my chemo last Thursday.  As I've said that was the first of 9 smaller weekly doses and SO FAR, the first one at least was very manageable.  I was able to go and do with minimal symptoms.  The aches seemed to kick in bad late at night, but not bad every  night thank God.  I do realize the subsequent doses will be accumulative, but I'm hoping for the best.

I'VE HAD A DESIRE to try out a monthly breast cancer support group but because of surgeries, chemo, etc. getting in the way, I just yesterday was able to make a meeting up in Ocala.  I found the info. online through American Cancer Society webpage.  There's another one listed in the Villages, but they meet on Thursdays which is my chemo day.  The one in Ocala met in a Methodist church and the small group of ladies were all so sweet and welcoming; however, I was the youngest there among mostly older retired ladies which I realize is the largest age group to get breast cancer.  They had a guest speaker there, a plastic surgeon who discussed briefly the different options for breast reconstruction which I'm already fully engaged in.  It was informative though and I learned I still had some options.

I'VE HAD A NAGGING DESIRE/NEED/THOUGHT as to whether I should start my own breast cancer support group in our area.  It doesn't even have to be limited to breast cancer necessarily.  I know of several women in our small community who have been recently diagnosed or have battled in the last couple of years with cancer.  I'm trying to decide the true need here and whether its just me.  I'll need to pray about this and ask the Lord for guidance, but I'm just throwing this out there to my readers especially those who fall in this category.  Would this be something of value to you that could be a lifeline and help with the isolation that cancer can bring?  I know most of us are blessed with a wonderful support system of family, church and friends, but its a shame we can't all come together as cancer patients on a regular basis (say monthly) and lift each other up or share information.  I remember in the early weeks especially, I would have jumped at this.

I'd value any feedback on this and if this doesn't apply to you, perhaps you could pass it on to your friend or loved one who could give their opinion.      

"HITTIN THE WALL"

KENNY AND I ENJOYED SOME MUCH NEEDED TIME AWAY this Monday and Tuesday night.  We used some Hilton points he had accumulated and stayed in Orlando.  Tuesday we even took the big step of splurging on Epcot not knowing how I'd do with all the walking.  We took it slow and enjoyed most of the park with the finale of laser lights and fireworks at closing that only Disney can do.  SO good to get our minds on other things.

I HAVE TO GIVE A SHOUT OUT to the encouraging and supportive nature of cancer survivors everywhere - especially fellow breast cancer survivors.  As I've said early on, it is a close sorority that you never signed up for.  I decided to wear to Epcot my pink "Fight Like A Girl - Breast Cancer Survivor" t-shirt and hat Brittni my niece bought me.  I thought since I'd get my fair share of stares all day from the scarf draped head, I'd go ahead and give people the answer they were curious about through letting them read my t-shirt on their own as we all stood in those long circling lines waiting to get on a ride, everyone staring at everyone.  Little did I know that I would have the opportunity to meet and speak with several fellow survivors over the day at Epcot.  The first dear lady in her 60's we met was 2 yrs. post mastectomy/reconstruction, no chemo.  Her and her husband stood right behind us in the 1-hr. (yes, I said 1-hr.!) line to get on "Soarin" (which WAS a great simulated hang-gliding ride, BTW).  We had a long time to talk to her and her husband about her experience.  It's amazing how even with a stranger, you can pick up and immediately begin talking the cancer-ese language with someone who totally "gets it" and doesn't need translation.  She was doing well now and encouraged me that the "permanents" are so much better/softer than the tissue expanders I like to call "rocks".  Good to know!

WE SHARED A CROWDED TABLE at lunch with a sweet Christian black woman and her friend who we quickly bonded with in the Lord.  She noticed my shirt and told us of her daughter in her 20's who was post melanoma cancer and now doing her sociology dissertation on cancer survivors.  We exchanged cards at the end and wished blessings on each family.  Then later while drying my hands in the restroom, a sweet woman about my age, tapped me on the shoulder briefly and said "I was just where you were 2 yrs. ago, and I want you to know there's light at the end of the tunnel, hang in there!". Such precious words, and great hair she had!  So neat to meet such encouraging people, ones I wouldn't have met if I'd have scratched the t-shirt and hid behind a hot, itchy wig all day, which I DID consider.

UNFORTUNATELY, our fun did have to end and I had chemo yesterday, the smaller dose this time.  I'll go again every week for the next 8-9 weeks, but so far today the symptoms are minimal, PTL!  Let's hope that continues.  In reference to my last blog about my mind battle last week, I DID speak to my oncologist about that.  He conferred that goofed up hormone levels could definitely play into the severity.  He also shared with me that he was not surprised to hear me tell him about the depression.  He sees it in a lot of his patients around this point in their treatment...he called it "hitting the wall" and compared it to the 17th mile for runners in a marathon.  You're tired, tired of it, gone through much already and yet aren't close to the end.  He said, like runners as they get closer to the light at the end will get that boost in their mental spirits as will cancer patients.  Good to know I wasn't just mentally weaker than I thought and we did talk about how to take the medications I needed when I needed them.

WHILE CANCER SURVIVORS are of great support, I continue to shout out thanks to ALL my loving supporters including Diane Green and her husband Roger, members of my church, who felt led to shave their heads to support me.  WOW!  Certainly not expected...but how sweet.

BATTLE OF THE MIND!

AT THE BOTTOM OF MY BLOG TODAY you'll find an incerpt that I've pasted from another breast cancer survivor, Brenda Coffee, whose blog I follow.  It's on the healing power of music.  Her subject was very timely for me and so I thought I'd pass it on for someone else.  Here's why...

I HAVE RELUCTANTLY decided to share with you that this past week I struggled, sometimes deeply, with depression at times.  While I did indeed had a good and MUCH better physical week, it was replaced with a cloud of nagging unsettled sadness, unmovitation, boredom, despair, and even panic at times -  and FOR NO GOOD REASON.  "Well, you have cancer"...you might say, "isn't that a good enough reason?"  Perhaps so, and I do want to find the balance between giving myself a break and not feeling guilty for the occasional blues AND YET not falling prey to the deep hole of the mind that one can easily slip into if not on guard.  It was so troubling this week that part of me would have rather been physically sick than struggle with my mind.  I believe if anyone has "been there", you'll understand what I'm saying.

MY RATIONALE reminded me that I am SO BLESSED with SO MUCH to be thankful for AND relatively small issues compared to so many, yet depression is not usually rational.  The worst part is that my family has to take care of me enough when I'm physically down and can't help it...it PAINS me to add unnecessary baggage for them to have to live with or feel compelled to "fix".  Besides that, I'm a woman of faith and while I do believe in using outside medical help on occasion in this area, I DO want to exercise the tools God gives me to overcome.  One of those being the area of music and the article I'm including below.  One of the reasons I SO enjoy praise and worship time at church as well as the love and fellowship of my friends there...it is good for the soul and mind.  I will try to actively work on that more at home this week and turn off the depressing news or deafening quiet of my mind.  By faith, I WILL get through this "symptom" as well and will also talk to my oncologist as to the possible roll of hormones going haywire due to chemo.

I APPRECIATE ALL THE PRAYERS that have already been raised for me and was somewhat reluctant to share so honestly in this blog.  My intent is not for your sympathy or to pass my burden on to so many of my dear friends and family who are already praying and reaching out.  But rather, something tells me that there are many more around us everyday who are fighting the same battle of the mind, even good strong believers, who need some light shined on them - I believe depression thrives and grows like a cancer in darkness and solitude, at least it does for me.  SO I PROCLAIM THIS FROM THE ROOFTOP OF MY MIND!...
For God, who said, “Let light shine out of darkness,” made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of God’s glory displayed in the face of Christ.  2 Corinthians 4:5-7

Here's Brenda's blog incerpt...hope you find it helpful!

The other night I watched a rerun of Diane Sawyer’s interview with former US Congresswoman, Gabby Giffords, and her astronaut husband, Mark Kelley. The interview was the first time the public had seen Giffords since she’d been shot in the head at point blank range. Watching her radiant easy smile, I realized her healing journey has been nothing short of miraculous. Near death when she arrived at the hospital, Gabby Giffords suffered a major brain injury that necessitated temporary removal of a piece of her skull. The injury also forced her to learn to talk, walk, read and reason all over again, and surprisingly, the tool her therapists found to be most helpful was music. According to scientists, nothing activates the brain like music, especially in the case of severe brain injuries like Gabby Giffords. Music has a unique multi-dimensional power to change the way our brain strings words together; it helps us learn to walk again, and it increases the dopamine levels that produce a positive affect on our sense of well-being. Sometime last Fall, I remember singing along to Cyndi Lauper’s Girls Just Want to Have Fun on my car radio. At first my voice was tentative and soft, but it wasn’t long before I was singing with everything I had, and in that moment, I forgot James died. I forgot that most every area of my life was drenched in grief and betrayal, and in that moment, I wasn’t a widow or a breast cancer survivor, I was my usual happy upbeat self. Amazed at my happy outburst, I remember thinking that on some level, my healing had begun. For many of us, healing is an ongoing process. Whether it’s physical or emotional, cancer, betrayal or grief, the torn and fractured pieces of our mind and body continue to knit themselves together, again. We gain strength and draw comfort from the prayers of those around us, the compassion of our medical team and from the examples of those who’ve gone before us like Gabby Giffords and Mark Kelley. Gabby and Mark underscore what many of us already know: When the life we planned is not the life we’re living, we must dig deep and summon the courage and determination to map out a new life. In Diane Sawyer’s interview, Gabby Giffords and her therapists sang Girls Just Want to Have Fun, and in that moment, Gabby was radiant and whole. It made me think back to that day in my car when I sang the same song with joy and abandonment;how the healing power of that happy song lifted me out of my grief.  Music makes new pathways in the areas of the brain that control memory, emotion, even movement. Our body naturally wants to align itself with the rhythms of our environment. What rhythms are part of your environment? Are they the stories on the news about murders and robberies or, like Gabby Giffords, do you surround yourself with music and examples of courage and survivorship? If you can’t remember the last time you sang at the top of your voice then it’s been too long, my friends. Like Gabby Giffords, we may be beaten up around the edges, but we’re not beaten.  Sing, dear ones, and heal well!

TAXOTERE IS THE DEVIL!

COMING BACK FROM A HARD WEEK AND A HALF.  A week ago this past Thursday was my half-way point with chemo.  I was given the chemo drug Taxotere which my oncologist explained had recently proven slightly more effective than the Taxol we had planned to take.  Side effects would be about the same.  He gave me the option though of continuing to take it in a once-every three-week dose like I've been taking the A/C, OR break it into smaller doses which would require me coming in for infusions once a week for the three weeks for 12 weeks.  I opted to take the full three-week dose to keep from coming so often, plus I'd heard all along that A/C was "the beast" and that I should find Taxotere or Taxol a little easier.  BOTTOM LINE - THIS STUFF KNOCKED ME ON MY BUTT!  By mid-week I was so weak and sick (much of which I can't even remember) I was back down to Tampa on Wed., Thurs. and Friday getting IV fluids again, looking like death warmed over.  My oncologist felt so bad and agreed the Taxotere was too much for me.  At my next chemo on 3/22, I'll take the three smaller doses weekly instead and will revert back to Taxol.  NOW I JUST HAVE TO RECOVER FROM THIS FIRST HEAVY DOSE and get this all out of my system.

I'VE NEVER BEEN SO WEAK thus far in my treatments as the last few days.  Body aches all over, bone tired weak feeling, taste buds all goofed up, among other things.  Sometimes sitting in a warm bathtub was my best friend.  Today's the first day I've felt like sitting at the computer and catching up.  "STRONGER BACK, STRONGER BACK" has been my central prayer over this past week and I know He came through for me.  Feeling stronger today and praying it continues over this week.

TALKING WITH A DEAR AND BRAVE FRIEND going through her own battle with cancer, we agreed that the constant and continual barrage of one-symptom-after-another is what can get you down mentally.  If its not one thing, its another, kind of thing.  She's an inspiration to me and I'd be blessed to have half the guts she does!  Thanks once again this week to my friends and loved ones for the prayers, emails, cards and food...you are all a blessing!

ONE FUNNY MOMENT OF THE WEEK...as my sweet nurse Jean was hooking me up to my IV fluids on Wednesday, I was puking in my little pink basin, so sick and looking pretty bad I admit.  The chatty older gentleman patient next to us getting his infusion began to tell Kenny how happy he was with the nursing/living facility his wife had found for him and offered to pass on the info to Kenny.  Kenny cheerfully thanked him and Jean ended up moving me to a room where I could lay down, but Kenny and I laughed later about the little man trying to send me away to a nursing home already.  You gotta laugh!

National Women's Day Testimony

SHARING MY TESTIMONY AT OUR CHURCH ON NATIONAL WOMEN'S MINISTRY DAY ON 2/26/12.

SPEAKING AT CHURCH

BEEN A GOOD WEEK and enjoyed feeling good.  Nerve pain in my arms has been rearing its ugly head more the last 4 days but I'm trying to ignore it...what pain??  Looking into some possible homeopathic help.

THANKS TO ALL for the sweet birthday greetings via Facebook, cards, email and the beautiful flower arrangements.  Still puzzled over the anonymous giver of the lovely plant left at my front door Thursday night.  I hate not to thank the kind giver.  Loved my son Cayler's question..."Now, how old are you Mom?"...(I'm 45 now)..."dang!" LOL.  However, both my sons embellished me with cards with sweet written messages that made me cry good tears as well as flowers and a Coldstone treat.  A proud and blessed momma.  Kenny took me to dinner and a movie with good friends.  It was a great night, but don't waste your money on "The Vow".  It was just okay, the writing lacked A LOT!  Good thing the actors were both "pretty" to look at the whole time, that was all it had going for it at times.  Not what I was expecting.  Nevertheless a fun night.

LOOKING FORWARD to a girls' night out tonight at Wiregrass with my sister, niece Brittni, Ashley and Sami.


Tomorrow at church I've been asked to share my recent testimony in honor of National Women's Ministry Day.  Nervous but honored and praying that God can use me through this time.  My friend, Diana told me if I get too nervous and feel like I'm going to cry, to break out in a joke.  It may end up being a stand-up comedy act the whole time if I take that advice.  Honestly though, thanks for your prayers for me tomorrow.

TO MY RADIOGRAPHY STUDENT/FRIENDS, thinking of you guys as you head to the Atlanta year-end conference.  Wish I could be there with you, I know you'll learn a lot and will do well in the Correctec "bee"- take 'em down!




 

THE HALF-WAY MARK

HELLO FRIENDS AND FAMILY,
I'm extremely happy to be back to the land of the living after a rough patch!  Thanks for the many prayers and much love expressed in various ways over the last couple of weeks.  Once again, I feel SO BLESSED to have family and friends like you all.

MY LAST CHEMO WAS ON Thursday, 2/9, and that weekend was hard with some nausea and extreme aches and sick all-over feel.  Kenny gave us a scare too that Sat. evening when his abdominal/back aches turned into fever as well.  We were both pretty pitiful and Cayler helped by doing a house-sanitizing run-through in case Kenny's ailment was viral.  We're not sure what he had but he felt better Sunday evening, and I never "caught" it.  PTL for both of us!  I was starting to feel a lot better from chemo by Monday.

EVEN THOUGH Kenny's been able to cut back on the work travel, he left for San Francisco early Tuesday morning and by Tuesday night my raw esophagus and stomach turned into a progressively worse nausea and vomiting over the next three days as I got sicker and weaker.  Friday found me in the oncology clinic getting a much needed IV of fluids and stronger nausea meds.  Kenny was home and able to take me even with his extreme jet lag.  By that night I was feeling TONS better and enjoyed my sister's chicken and rice after not eating for days....I think the steroid they gave me helped too because all I could think about was food.  As a side note, we were so glad Kenny got to have a quick visit on Valentine's night with our dear old friends, the Shireys in Santa Clara...very special people to us and great memories.

I'VE REACHED THE HALF-WAY MARK in my chemo treatments finishing the dreaded A/C meds, Cytoxan and Adriamycin (red devil) combo.  At my next chemo I'll start the first of four treatments of Taxol.  While Taxol comes with its own side effects, like more tiredness, more severe achiness than the A/C (which I'm dreading) and possible neuropathy of fingers and feet, the nausea is supposed to be lighter.  Once again...focus on the positive, right?

FOR NOW, I'LL ENJOY the next 10 days of feeling pretty darn good and try to get things done - like getting my driver's license renewed.  The procrastinator in me just now read the reminder card and noticed that I actually have to GO IN this year to renew it, I can't just do it online.  I have to bring in all the documents and may even have to take a test again it says.  I just had the horrible thought of having to have my picture retaken!  Could this mean whatever "look" I choose, bald, scarf, or stupid looking wig, will be with me for the next umpteen years!  Eek!  I'll see how long I can put this off.

I TURN 45 THIS WEEK, whew-whew!!  I guess as a cancer survivor you put aside the silly and vain "let's not talk about getting a year older" and you CELEBRATE another birthday!

HOW TO KNOW GOD

THOSE WHO KNOW ME PERSONALLY OR HAVE COME TO KNOW ME BY FOLLOWING MY BLOG know that I'm a "person of faith", as we are sometimes called.  You probably also know or have seen that, while I have a relationship with God, I don't pretend to have it all figured out, but rather attempt to  LIVE BY FAITH in the knowledge I DO HAVE.  My recent continual battle with breast cancer has illuminated that even more.  While I struggle through the day-to-day health and emotional issues that it brings, I'm THANKFUL, SO THANKFUL that I don't have to struggle with my eternity issue.  Plainly put...SHOULD I DIE OF BREAST CANCER (OR GET HIT BY A BUS) TOMORROW, I HAVE PEACE IN WHERE I'LL GO, as difficult as death can be.  I would be remiss if I didn't share with my readers, friends and family how I obtained this peace.  If you'll stay with me, I'd like to take you down this road as spelled out in the Bible from the book of Romans....

There is no one righteous, not even one.
Romans 3:10

For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.  Romans 3:23


Therefore, just as sin entered the world through one man, and death through sin, and in this way death came to all men, because all sinned... Romans 5:12


For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.  
Romans 6:23 


But God demonstrates his own love for us in this:  While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.  Romans 5:8


The word is near you; it is in your mouth and in your heart, that is, the word of faith we are proclaiming:  That if you confess with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord," and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.  For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you confess and are saved.  Romans 8-10


Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.  Romans 10:13


(Jesus says) Here I am!  I stand at the door and knock.  If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him and he with me.  Revelation 3:20

The following verses stuck out and spoke to me when I "stumbled" upon them in my Bible right after my cancer diagnosis.  I tried to hide them in my heart as God speaking to my situation and what I needed to hear as I tried to make since of it all.

Psalms 119:73-80
With your very own hands you formed me; now breathe your wisdom over me so I can understand you. When they see me waiting, expecting your Word, those who fear you will take heart and be glad.  I can see now, God, that your decisions are right; your testing has taught me what's true and right.  Oh, love me-and right now!-hold me tight!  just the way you promised.  Now comfort me so I can live, really live; your revelation is the tune I dance to...and let me live whole and holy, soul and body, so I can always walk with my head held high.


This has been my prayer and my goal.  Despite my complications, my frustrations and even my occasional whining, that he will use my breast cancer to bring others to him.  If you'd like to know more, please reach out to me and I will humbly offer my hand.

THINGS HAPPEN!

YUUUKKKK's been the word of the day for several days now.  Today I'm trying to act alive and somewhat motivated.  As planned last Wednesday we arrived at the Morsani center for my surgical procedure to replace/or adjust my chemo port.  They always do a wonderful job of making me feel comfortable, getting things moving quickly and being friendly.  Dr. Cox was ahead of schedule and after signing my chest like a rock star (his words) we got things moving.  I was in Twilight land, but during surgery he used the C-Arm on me, something I had just gotten to learn in my brief month in surgical rotation before school was halted.  The C-Arm is a portable fluoroscopy device they use for x-rays purposes during the middle of some surgeries.  He used it to watch and see why the current port was not flowing through properly.  I've become quite the radiology patient lately...things are a little backward!  He opted to replace the port and for a couple of days it was very sore.  He said he hadn't had to replace one in about 7-8 years.

STRAIGHT TO CHEMO the next day on Thursday.  They compassionately left my port accessed (left the  needle in and the little wirey, hangey things dangling down) so that I would not have to get stuck again at chemo.  YAH!  Rejoice in all things!  First night, not too bad.  Since Friday night, feeling quite awful.  Meds do help some, but achy, fluey feeling is the pits.  Waves of nausea too and no energy.  I drug myself up on Monday morning to keep the 8:30 appt. with the lymphedema therapist in Leesburg.  She was very helpful and felt like at the moment she didn't see lymphedema, but that as I already knew, since lymph nodes were taken out of both sides, it would be a constant vigilance to prevent an outbreak.  Even though my brain was quite fogged, I left with some clarity and good information at least.  I'll know what to do and what to look for, but it still stinks....just part of it.

On the spiritual side...my word for lately is that God is a FILTER more often than a FIXER.  I see his hand in my situation and others' situations, but most of the time supporting, undergirding, teaching and loving us through it through people like you my friends and family.  THINGS HAPPEN!  No doubt about it, but I know by faith that God is always good, always faithful, and always sovereign.  My devotion one day in Matthew centered on poor ole John the Baptist getting beheaded.  Just a few verses before, he was with Jesus in this glorious baptism scene where he was mightily used to baptize the Son of God and witnessed God the Father and the Holy Spirit right in front of him.  He must have felt pretty important, huh?  Then verses later, while Jesus is out teaching, John's sitting alone in jail about to be beheaded by evil men.  So much for being a part of the inner circle, right?  How must he have felt.  What  am I saying??  THINGS HAPPEN!  Who am I to demand?  Is it enough just to know that He's there?


 

PORT ISSUES

LIVING WITH BREAST CANCER, there are going to be really low points and very hard days.  Sometimes they come from one huge bit of bad news or major physical setback, other times they are a result of one medium-sized setback after another, after another, after another that add up until you crack.  Kind of like for us women when we find our purse gets heavier and heavier one receipt at a time, one piece of paper at a time, one more lipstick or pill bottle we've thoughtlessly thrown in there over weeks, until ONE DAY, we say "Wow, this purse is so stinkin' heavy, but there's not anything THAT heavy in there??"

THIS WEEK WAS THE FINALE OF THIS KIND OF BUILDUP OVER THE LAST MONTH.  In other words, I've certainly been in much more pain the weeks following the mastectomies; and certainly I've been in much more mental strain, the weeks after diagnosis with all the unknowns of my prognosis.  But this week was a different kind of hard.  As I'd shared previously, I've been concerned about the lymphedema discomfort remaining longer term and have taken steps to deal with that including making an appt. for next week with a lymphedema therapist for massage and direction.  The hardest part for me to deal with mentally regarding the lymphedema is that it can be a non-curable lifelong side issue to have to deal with.  With the cancer, you're told, "you can beat this, a year from now you'll be resuming your normal life!" (which I find to be a little overstated, considering the 5-years of hormone therapy pill regimen and all that entails.) But, yes, for the most part you pray that the cancer never returns and move on with your life post-chemo and reconstruction.  BUT LYMPHEDEMA says "hey, I'm stickin around to be a constant thorn in your side".  It might rear its ugly head at any moment you happen to get a little sunburn on your arms, or burn yourself on the oven, fly in an airplane, or even get a bug bite.  Another challenge I'm finding frustrating already going for bloodwork and treatments and surgeries currently ongoing, I can't let them put a blood pressure cuff on my arms, nor let them stick me with a needle except in the hand if they can even get it to draw.  They are forced to draw from my port which requires an experienced nurse, and that brings me to this week at Thursday's chemo.  For those who don't know, a port was surgically placed right near my clavicle/collar bone on the left side of my chest right under the skin.  It stays attached to my subclavian vein so that the nurse only needs to stick the needle each time into the port to be able to immediately access the vein.    

I'LL BACK UP TO THURSDAY MORNING.  Kenny and I revisited my plastic surgeon after three weeks.  Bottom line...at my last appt. with him in December, he looked at my "progress" and determined in his opinion that I had a leak in the left breast tissue expander..  I was shocked and sickened as my sister and I questioned him on the what and why.  He did not do a fill that day and seemed confident in his appraisal of the situation as unfortunate as it was.  He chalked it up to product malfunction and a slow pressure leak that could only be corrected by another surgery to remove and replace the defective expander.  This meant reconstruction would cease and surgery could not be done until all my chemo was completed in May or June.  Then surgery, 3 months of fills, and the final cosmetic surgeries tacked on the end.  Not what I wanted to hear.  So for three weeks I've battled and prayed over this setback, fighting to not feel sorry for myself, etc., etc. ...all while not feeling TOTALLY CONFIDENT in his decision.  Thursday morning, we readdressed this with the surgeon and he agreed that it was based on an experienced "hunch" and we could continue to fill and see what happens since we have nothing to lose.  The leak is only saline water and is absorbed quickly by the body with no harm.  I left there "filled" and sore...relieved and livid...all at the same time.  That's all I'll say on that.  Time will tell.  Then we ate and headed to chemo.

WHEN THEY CALLED ME BACK FOR BLOODWORK, I asked them to draw from my port because of my arms and so they called the oncology nurse to take over.  They had to take me on back to a infusion recliner because at the last two treatments, my port would only work if I was very reclined and arm hanging down to my side.  Even reclined, this time after several tries they were able to draw blood out, but when they tried to push a saline flush in, it was not going, blocked.  Getting a little panicked at where this was headed, I kept offering solutions.  "I can recline more...let me hold my arm lower, what if I shift?...is there a room I could lay flat, maybe that would work?" The nurse lovingly told me that she needed to go talk to Dr. Wright, that this port was obviously malfunctioning and/or in a wrong position (possibly from my weight loss since surgery), but that it was a danger to inject strong chemo meds into my body should they get released into my surrounding tissue.  NOT GOOD AT ALL!  She walked away and I unexpectedly cried quietly like a little girl hoping no one around me was noticing.  Embarrassing.  You want to be strong for your fellow cancer brothers and sisters, though you know they can surely relate on some level with your tears.

DR. WRIGHT AGREED with the nurse and they got me in immediately at the hospital next door for a dye port check in the Radiology dept.  At least it felt like home.  Now I WAS THE PATIENT getting a fluoro procedure, watching myself on the screen, and laying on the hard cold table.  I was a little of a bossy patient, trying to direct it all from my supine position as kindly as I could.  I wanted to make sure the radiologist checked everything correctly.  RESULT was that my port only worked in supine (laying down flat) position and would need to be replaced.  SO, back to Morsani surgical center on Wednesday for Dr. Cox to adjust or replace it.  Then I should be back on track for chemo the next day.

YESTERDAY, my sweet and beautiful niece, Brittni, surprised me with a t-shirt reading "I Fight Like A Girl" with pink boxing gloves.  She bought herself one too in support of her Aunt Dina.  With the love of my family and so many praying for me, I keep on fighting hard like a girl...even if I sometimes have to take a moment and cry like a girl too.

BARBIE DOLL ARMS

HELLO BLOG READERS, FRIENDS, AND FAMILY...I'm back out of hiding!  Not really...just felt a little unmotivated and uninspired to blog in last few weeks, partly I'm sure with holidays being a little busier even though we kept things pretty simple and enjoyed time with family, including a one-night camping getaway at Silver River State Park about an hour from our home.  We've also found a new family fun night which we call "campfire movie" (don't laugh), where we sit on our small deck out back around a nice fire in our firebowl we love, bring the flat screen tv and dvd player outside and watch a movie favorite under the stars.  So far we've watched The Help, our old favorite The Edge with Anthony Hopkins, and Cowboys and Aliens (mom's least favorite, sorry guys!)  We find the best ones are the outdoor setting movies.  Its fun.    

NY 2011, Our 25th Anniversary

SOOOO, as an update, here's what's been going on in the Burns household.  Tyler, our oldest son is continuing his ministerial licensing classes called DSOM which he loves and he continues to lead the youth worship and manicure his little bonsai trees, a new hobby.  Cayler, started his culinary program today and spent a lot of time over the holidays enjoying mountain biking with Sami and Tyler on the Santos trails near Ocala.  Kenny's keeping up with work, playing a little tennis, as well as transporting me around to appts. and being my constant rock.

AS FAR AS MY HEALTH, unfortunately, Lymphedema is the issue of the day lately.  Despite all the surgeons efforts to avoid it and despite the 75% of women who never get it...I am dealing with some swelling in both upper arms that's not going away easily this time.  We all have a lymphatic system with small lymph nodes and vessels running throughout our bodies alongside our blood circulatory system.  It carries lymphatic fluid throughout which is what aids in repairing damages to our body like when you get a cut or burn, and fighting sickness in general.  It's also the transportation system that carries and spreads cancer cells from one part of your body to the next (metastasis).  During a mastectomy, many lymph nodes in the breasts and arms are removed leaving an interruption in the proper flow of your lymphatic system and in some cases lymphedema, or fluid accumulation in the arms.  Up until now, for me its been only a day here or there occasionally and Kenny would help with massaging up my arms and it would go away and feel better the next day.  THIS week, its hanging around for going on about 5 days now. Nothing real painful, just slightly uncomfortable in respect to what I've learned as my new "normal", but I'm just concerned about it getting worse or becoming MORE of a chronic problem if I don't handle it correctly.  SO...I'm contacting a lymphedema therapist today about my options.


WELL, THE DOORBELL RANG and my new lovely wardrobe addition just arrived...my lymphedema compression sleeves.  HOLY COW!!  I've put these tight banded sleeves on my arms which compress from my wrists to my armpits.  Besides causing me a slight bit of claustrophobia, they are EXTREMELY TIGHT AND UNCOMFORTABLE making my arms and hands ache.  I know I bought the right size and I'm sure they are supposed to be tight to work that fluid up the arms, but let me say again...HOLY COW!!  I didn't envision them being this tight.  No wonder they say so many women end up throwing them in a drawer and only wear them when they fly.  GEESH!  We were laughing the other day when Kenny said my bald head and make-up'd face looked like a barbie doll head where the kid has pulled all the hair out.  NOW, I HAVE BARBIE DOLL ARMS TOO WITH THESE FLESH COLORED SLEEVES MAKING MY ARMS LOOK PLASTIC AND HARD.  Another chapter in the saga, I guess Continuing to pray God will take this lymphedema away all together, but I know His ways are not always our ways.  

Thank you to many of you who have reached out to check on me and my family and for the many, new people each week who tell me they are praying for us, everyday even.  Its quite humbling and I feel undeserving of such commitment, but I know its God's arms extended..."GOD WITH FLESH", our friend use to say.  So I thank you.

2ND CHEMO

MONDAY WAS MY 2ND CHEMO INFUSION down in Tampa.  Kenny had to be away for the night so Cayler my youngest son escorted his beloved mom for the day to her treatment.  Definitely not a fun day for either of us.  The place seemed unusually crowded and stuffy the minute we entered the waiting area, and seemed like we had to wait a long time just to get called back.  For the record, I'll be trying out Florida Cancer Specialists' other location near USF on my next visit which should be newer and roomier at least.  After going through the regimen of drawing blood, vitals, seeing the PA (this time) then heading back to the infusion area which again was packed, we finally found a recliner and Cayler ended up sitting half the four hours on the floor next to me, bless his heart.  He was very helpful and courteous to me and the other patients around us.  The nurses were great as usual and hustling to keep up with the constant beeping of the IV pumps needing attention.  My hemoglobin was down some indicating I might be becoming anemic if it goes down much more, in which case they would give me iron pills or an infusion I was told.  Haven't heard anymore so I'm hoping that meant it was in the safe.

BY MONDAY NIGHT I was starting to feel the crud coming on.  After getting sick to my stomach, I began my strict med regiment for the next few days.  Tuesday was rough, Wednesday was rougher, and I've felt really sore in my arm and underarm tightness for about a week now, not sure why...that area is a constant battle.  Nurse Kenny did a good job administering my Neulasta shot on Tuesday night when he returned home and it must have kicked in because it makes your bones ache by the next day.

GRATEFULLY today, Thursday, I felt pretty dang good for a chemo week; so much so that we drove to the American Cancer Society store in Leesburg where we had a private room to try on tons of wigs of which I could choose a few to take home free of charge.  The volunteer, Nancy, was kind and patient and left us alone to take our time.  I did find a few wigs I liked and some we just HAD A GOOFY TIME WITH FOR FUN!  Not sure how much I'll want to wear them.  I'm leaning toward being a scarf/bandana girl because it feels so much better.  Nancy also showed me bins of hats, scarves, and turbans for me to go through and fill a bag to take home.  This is a wonderful benefit offered to cancer patients and I'll be happy to donate back my hats, wigs and scarves when I'm finished to help other patients.  Kenny and I enjoyed lunch, rested some at home, then grocery shopped a little, and I was so glad to feel like participating in this day.  


PRAYING FOR continued good days.  Thanks to each one of you for taking the time to read the blog either weekly or even occasionally and for all the kind and encouraging comments you so often leave.  They make me smile!  By the way...this last wig was Kenny's idea!          

"YORK PEPPERMINT HEAD"

THIS PAST WEEK was my 3rd and "good" week, and I DID feel much better and tried to make the best of it.  Monday I attended a free event in Eustis for cancer patients put on by the American Cancer Society called "Look Good Feel Better" which is an intimate workshop setting where you learn from volunteers about skin care during chemo, applying makeup and fake eyebrows, how to tie scarves, etc.  It was nice, not as good as I imagined, but I did walk away with tons of makeup samples from different cosmetic companies which was great and met two very sweet older ladies going through similar struggles with cancer.  Tuesday afternoon was Christmas goody-making with Sami into the evening, choir practice for the Christmas cantata on Thursday night, Christmas shopping on Saturday, etc.

MY SISTER accompanied me to my plastic surgeon appt. on Thursday where the news was not so great.  That story I will save for another day after another follow-up visit with him for some much needed confirmation!!  But...enjoyed the day and lunch with her.

AND THEN THERE'S THE HAIR...OR LACK OF!!!  Just as promised by my oncologist this was the week it began to REALLY fall out and by Friday morning in the shower it was quite dramatic and emotional for me, I'm not gonna lie.  Kenny too, for that matter.  After coming to my rescue in the shower he said it looked like a cat had died in the shower floor.  Now I looked just sick and scary, half-bald and half-haired.  I had wanted to hold off until Friday night after we picked up our sons from the airport from visiting their grandfather in NC, to somehow make the "big shave" a "fun family event".  I don't think the guys were as into that idea as their mom, which was just as well because by an hour before heading to the airport, I couldn't take it another minute...the itchiness, the soreness, the hair EVERYWHERE FALLING at the slightest touch.  Kenny and I loaded up for CVS with a cap on my head, bought some electric clippers, and headed home to do the deed.  He was feeling so bad for me, but by that time, MY overriding feeling was anxiousness to get it done.  He shaved it down as far as he could, but we still had stubble, so after trying the beard trimmer next, we even tried the razor until we decided that wasn't such a great idea...very uncomfortable to my sore head AND too much risk of infection.

I BELIEVE it was again that grace of God coming through at the moment I needed it.  I have to say...it was quite a bizarre and life-changing thing as a woman to see yourself bald for the first time in your life.  I was even BORN with hair and as women, hair is such a BIG part of our lives like it or not.  From the moment we are little girls, brushing each other's hair and wearing ribbons and barettes; and into womanhood, finding the latest style, crying over a bad haircut or color, spending hours in the mirror over the years getting it just right.  And we won't even talk about the teenage years which for me a teen of the 80's meant BIG FARRAH FAWCETTE FEATHERED HAIR!  Then to be...what seems like at first "freakishly baldheaded", sets even the strongest woman back a little when she gazes into the mirror.

THANKFULLY, I'M ALMOST OVER IT ALREADY!  I say almost because I know feelings will ebb and flow.  Feels even kind of neat at moments - like letting the nice hot shower water run down my head, then stepping out of the shower, it feels instantly cool, like your head's a big York Peppermint Patty.  I haven't gotten motivated to buy the wig yet, perhaps I will.  Perhaps I'm being rebellish in my own way.  I strapped on a pretty colorful scarf (which probably screamed "CANCER") and walked the crowded mall Saturday, and yes...I could feel the stares, especially standing in the three-hour line at Bath and Body, but just tried to ignore them.  A bandana to the airport, pink ball cap (compliments of my niece) to choir practice, and even donned a red 20's style hat on Sunday for the cantata, which itched pretty badly I must say, and bumped everyone's face when I tried to give hugs, but looked ok, I guess.

I'll just try to think of myself as tough Demi Moore in "GI Jane" everytime I look in the mirror at my round slick head.  I'm not brave enough yet to display for you our pix we took of my new style.  Maybe one day, I will be.