National Women's Day Testimony

SHARING MY TESTIMONY AT OUR CHURCH ON NATIONAL WOMEN'S MINISTRY DAY ON 2/26/12.

SPEAKING AT CHURCH

BEEN A GOOD WEEK and enjoyed feeling good.  Nerve pain in my arms has been rearing its ugly head more the last 4 days but I'm trying to ignore it...what pain??  Looking into some possible homeopathic help.

THANKS TO ALL for the sweet birthday greetings via Facebook, cards, email and the beautiful flower arrangements.  Still puzzled over the anonymous giver of the lovely plant left at my front door Thursday night.  I hate not to thank the kind giver.  Loved my son Cayler's question..."Now, how old are you Mom?"...(I'm 45 now)..."dang!" LOL.  However, both my sons embellished me with cards with sweet written messages that made me cry good tears as well as flowers and a Coldstone treat.  A proud and blessed momma.  Kenny took me to dinner and a movie with good friends.  It was a great night, but don't waste your money on "The Vow".  It was just okay, the writing lacked A LOT!  Good thing the actors were both "pretty" to look at the whole time, that was all it had going for it at times.  Not what I was expecting.  Nevertheless a fun night.

LOOKING FORWARD to a girls' night out tonight at Wiregrass with my sister, niece Brittni, Ashley and Sami.


Tomorrow at church I've been asked to share my recent testimony in honor of National Women's Ministry Day.  Nervous but honored and praying that God can use me through this time.  My friend, Diana told me if I get too nervous and feel like I'm going to cry, to break out in a joke.  It may end up being a stand-up comedy act the whole time if I take that advice.  Honestly though, thanks for your prayers for me tomorrow.

TO MY RADIOGRAPHY STUDENT/FRIENDS, thinking of you guys as you head to the Atlanta year-end conference.  Wish I could be there with you, I know you'll learn a lot and will do well in the Correctec "bee"- take 'em down!




 

THE HALF-WAY MARK

HELLO FRIENDS AND FAMILY,
I'm extremely happy to be back to the land of the living after a rough patch!  Thanks for the many prayers and much love expressed in various ways over the last couple of weeks.  Once again, I feel SO BLESSED to have family and friends like you all.

MY LAST CHEMO WAS ON Thursday, 2/9, and that weekend was hard with some nausea and extreme aches and sick all-over feel.  Kenny gave us a scare too that Sat. evening when his abdominal/back aches turned into fever as well.  We were both pretty pitiful and Cayler helped by doing a house-sanitizing run-through in case Kenny's ailment was viral.  We're not sure what he had but he felt better Sunday evening, and I never "caught" it.  PTL for both of us!  I was starting to feel a lot better from chemo by Monday.

EVEN THOUGH Kenny's been able to cut back on the work travel, he left for San Francisco early Tuesday morning and by Tuesday night my raw esophagus and stomach turned into a progressively worse nausea and vomiting over the next three days as I got sicker and weaker.  Friday found me in the oncology clinic getting a much needed IV of fluids and stronger nausea meds.  Kenny was home and able to take me even with his extreme jet lag.  By that night I was feeling TONS better and enjoyed my sister's chicken and rice after not eating for days....I think the steroid they gave me helped too because all I could think about was food.  As a side note, we were so glad Kenny got to have a quick visit on Valentine's night with our dear old friends, the Shireys in Santa Clara...very special people to us and great memories.

I'VE REACHED THE HALF-WAY MARK in my chemo treatments finishing the dreaded A/C meds, Cytoxan and Adriamycin (red devil) combo.  At my next chemo I'll start the first of four treatments of Taxol.  While Taxol comes with its own side effects, like more tiredness, more severe achiness than the A/C (which I'm dreading) and possible neuropathy of fingers and feet, the nausea is supposed to be lighter.  Once again...focus on the positive, right?

FOR NOW, I'LL ENJOY the next 10 days of feeling pretty darn good and try to get things done - like getting my driver's license renewed.  The procrastinator in me just now read the reminder card and noticed that I actually have to GO IN this year to renew it, I can't just do it online.  I have to bring in all the documents and may even have to take a test again it says.  I just had the horrible thought of having to have my picture retaken!  Could this mean whatever "look" I choose, bald, scarf, or stupid looking wig, will be with me for the next umpteen years!  Eek!  I'll see how long I can put this off.

I TURN 45 THIS WEEK, whew-whew!!  I guess as a cancer survivor you put aside the silly and vain "let's not talk about getting a year older" and you CELEBRATE another birthday!

HOW TO KNOW GOD

THOSE WHO KNOW ME PERSONALLY OR HAVE COME TO KNOW ME BY FOLLOWING MY BLOG know that I'm a "person of faith", as we are sometimes called.  You probably also know or have seen that, while I have a relationship with God, I don't pretend to have it all figured out, but rather attempt to  LIVE BY FAITH in the knowledge I DO HAVE.  My recent continual battle with breast cancer has illuminated that even more.  While I struggle through the day-to-day health and emotional issues that it brings, I'm THANKFUL, SO THANKFUL that I don't have to struggle with my eternity issue.  Plainly put...SHOULD I DIE OF BREAST CANCER (OR GET HIT BY A BUS) TOMORROW, I HAVE PEACE IN WHERE I'LL GO, as difficult as death can be.  I would be remiss if I didn't share with my readers, friends and family how I obtained this peace.  If you'll stay with me, I'd like to take you down this road as spelled out in the Bible from the book of Romans....

There is no one righteous, not even one.
Romans 3:10

For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.  Romans 3:23


Therefore, just as sin entered the world through one man, and death through sin, and in this way death came to all men, because all sinned... Romans 5:12


For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.  
Romans 6:23 


But God demonstrates his own love for us in this:  While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.  Romans 5:8


The word is near you; it is in your mouth and in your heart, that is, the word of faith we are proclaiming:  That if you confess with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord," and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.  For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you confess and are saved.  Romans 8-10


Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.  Romans 10:13


(Jesus says) Here I am!  I stand at the door and knock.  If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him and he with me.  Revelation 3:20

The following verses stuck out and spoke to me when I "stumbled" upon them in my Bible right after my cancer diagnosis.  I tried to hide them in my heart as God speaking to my situation and what I needed to hear as I tried to make since of it all.

Psalms 119:73-80
With your very own hands you formed me; now breathe your wisdom over me so I can understand you. When they see me waiting, expecting your Word, those who fear you will take heart and be glad.  I can see now, God, that your decisions are right; your testing has taught me what's true and right.  Oh, love me-and right now!-hold me tight!  just the way you promised.  Now comfort me so I can live, really live; your revelation is the tune I dance to...and let me live whole and holy, soul and body, so I can always walk with my head held high.


This has been my prayer and my goal.  Despite my complications, my frustrations and even my occasional whining, that he will use my breast cancer to bring others to him.  If you'd like to know more, please reach out to me and I will humbly offer my hand.

THINGS HAPPEN!

YUUUKKKK's been the word of the day for several days now.  Today I'm trying to act alive and somewhat motivated.  As planned last Wednesday we arrived at the Morsani center for my surgical procedure to replace/or adjust my chemo port.  They always do a wonderful job of making me feel comfortable, getting things moving quickly and being friendly.  Dr. Cox was ahead of schedule and after signing my chest like a rock star (his words) we got things moving.  I was in Twilight land, but during surgery he used the C-Arm on me, something I had just gotten to learn in my brief month in surgical rotation before school was halted.  The C-Arm is a portable fluoroscopy device they use for x-rays purposes during the middle of some surgeries.  He used it to watch and see why the current port was not flowing through properly.  I've become quite the radiology patient lately...things are a little backward!  He opted to replace the port and for a couple of days it was very sore.  He said he hadn't had to replace one in about 7-8 years.

STRAIGHT TO CHEMO the next day on Thursday.  They compassionately left my port accessed (left the  needle in and the little wirey, hangey things dangling down) so that I would not have to get stuck again at chemo.  YAH!  Rejoice in all things!  First night, not too bad.  Since Friday night, feeling quite awful.  Meds do help some, but achy, fluey feeling is the pits.  Waves of nausea too and no energy.  I drug myself up on Monday morning to keep the 8:30 appt. with the lymphedema therapist in Leesburg.  She was very helpful and felt like at the moment she didn't see lymphedema, but that as I already knew, since lymph nodes were taken out of both sides, it would be a constant vigilance to prevent an outbreak.  Even though my brain was quite fogged, I left with some clarity and good information at least.  I'll know what to do and what to look for, but it still stinks....just part of it.

On the spiritual side...my word for lately is that God is a FILTER more often than a FIXER.  I see his hand in my situation and others' situations, but most of the time supporting, undergirding, teaching and loving us through it through people like you my friends and family.  THINGS HAPPEN!  No doubt about it, but I know by faith that God is always good, always faithful, and always sovereign.  My devotion one day in Matthew centered on poor ole John the Baptist getting beheaded.  Just a few verses before, he was with Jesus in this glorious baptism scene where he was mightily used to baptize the Son of God and witnessed God the Father and the Holy Spirit right in front of him.  He must have felt pretty important, huh?  Then verses later, while Jesus is out teaching, John's sitting alone in jail about to be beheaded by evil men.  So much for being a part of the inner circle, right?  How must he have felt.  What  am I saying??  THINGS HAPPEN!  Who am I to demand?  Is it enough just to know that He's there?


 

PORT ISSUES

LIVING WITH BREAST CANCER, there are going to be really low points and very hard days.  Sometimes they come from one huge bit of bad news or major physical setback, other times they are a result of one medium-sized setback after another, after another, after another that add up until you crack.  Kind of like for us women when we find our purse gets heavier and heavier one receipt at a time, one piece of paper at a time, one more lipstick or pill bottle we've thoughtlessly thrown in there over weeks, until ONE DAY, we say "Wow, this purse is so stinkin' heavy, but there's not anything THAT heavy in there??"

THIS WEEK WAS THE FINALE OF THIS KIND OF BUILDUP OVER THE LAST MONTH.  In other words, I've certainly been in much more pain the weeks following the mastectomies; and certainly I've been in much more mental strain, the weeks after diagnosis with all the unknowns of my prognosis.  But this week was a different kind of hard.  As I'd shared previously, I've been concerned about the lymphedema discomfort remaining longer term and have taken steps to deal with that including making an appt. for next week with a lymphedema therapist for massage and direction.  The hardest part for me to deal with mentally regarding the lymphedema is that it can be a non-curable lifelong side issue to have to deal with.  With the cancer, you're told, "you can beat this, a year from now you'll be resuming your normal life!" (which I find to be a little overstated, considering the 5-years of hormone therapy pill regimen and all that entails.) But, yes, for the most part you pray that the cancer never returns and move on with your life post-chemo and reconstruction.  BUT LYMPHEDEMA says "hey, I'm stickin around to be a constant thorn in your side".  It might rear its ugly head at any moment you happen to get a little sunburn on your arms, or burn yourself on the oven, fly in an airplane, or even get a bug bite.  Another challenge I'm finding frustrating already going for bloodwork and treatments and surgeries currently ongoing, I can't let them put a blood pressure cuff on my arms, nor let them stick me with a needle except in the hand if they can even get it to draw.  They are forced to draw from my port which requires an experienced nurse, and that brings me to this week at Thursday's chemo.  For those who don't know, a port was surgically placed right near my clavicle/collar bone on the left side of my chest right under the skin.  It stays attached to my subclavian vein so that the nurse only needs to stick the needle each time into the port to be able to immediately access the vein.    

I'LL BACK UP TO THURSDAY MORNING.  Kenny and I revisited my plastic surgeon after three weeks.  Bottom line...at my last appt. with him in December, he looked at my "progress" and determined in his opinion that I had a leak in the left breast tissue expander..  I was shocked and sickened as my sister and I questioned him on the what and why.  He did not do a fill that day and seemed confident in his appraisal of the situation as unfortunate as it was.  He chalked it up to product malfunction and a slow pressure leak that could only be corrected by another surgery to remove and replace the defective expander.  This meant reconstruction would cease and surgery could not be done until all my chemo was completed in May or June.  Then surgery, 3 months of fills, and the final cosmetic surgeries tacked on the end.  Not what I wanted to hear.  So for three weeks I've battled and prayed over this setback, fighting to not feel sorry for myself, etc., etc. ...all while not feeling TOTALLY CONFIDENT in his decision.  Thursday morning, we readdressed this with the surgeon and he agreed that it was based on an experienced "hunch" and we could continue to fill and see what happens since we have nothing to lose.  The leak is only saline water and is absorbed quickly by the body with no harm.  I left there "filled" and sore...relieved and livid...all at the same time.  That's all I'll say on that.  Time will tell.  Then we ate and headed to chemo.

WHEN THEY CALLED ME BACK FOR BLOODWORK, I asked them to draw from my port because of my arms and so they called the oncology nurse to take over.  They had to take me on back to a infusion recliner because at the last two treatments, my port would only work if I was very reclined and arm hanging down to my side.  Even reclined, this time after several tries they were able to draw blood out, but when they tried to push a saline flush in, it was not going, blocked.  Getting a little panicked at where this was headed, I kept offering solutions.  "I can recline more...let me hold my arm lower, what if I shift?...is there a room I could lay flat, maybe that would work?" The nurse lovingly told me that she needed to go talk to Dr. Wright, that this port was obviously malfunctioning and/or in a wrong position (possibly from my weight loss since surgery), but that it was a danger to inject strong chemo meds into my body should they get released into my surrounding tissue.  NOT GOOD AT ALL!  She walked away and I unexpectedly cried quietly like a little girl hoping no one around me was noticing.  Embarrassing.  You want to be strong for your fellow cancer brothers and sisters, though you know they can surely relate on some level with your tears.

DR. WRIGHT AGREED with the nurse and they got me in immediately at the hospital next door for a dye port check in the Radiology dept.  At least it felt like home.  Now I WAS THE PATIENT getting a fluoro procedure, watching myself on the screen, and laying on the hard cold table.  I was a little of a bossy patient, trying to direct it all from my supine position as kindly as I could.  I wanted to make sure the radiologist checked everything correctly.  RESULT was that my port only worked in supine (laying down flat) position and would need to be replaced.  SO, back to Morsani surgical center on Wednesday for Dr. Cox to adjust or replace it.  Then I should be back on track for chemo the next day.

YESTERDAY, my sweet and beautiful niece, Brittni, surprised me with a t-shirt reading "I Fight Like A Girl" with pink boxing gloves.  She bought herself one too in support of her Aunt Dina.  With the love of my family and so many praying for me, I keep on fighting hard like a girl...even if I sometimes have to take a moment and cry like a girl too.

BARBIE DOLL ARMS

HELLO BLOG READERS, FRIENDS, AND FAMILY...I'm back out of hiding!  Not really...just felt a little unmotivated and uninspired to blog in last few weeks, partly I'm sure with holidays being a little busier even though we kept things pretty simple and enjoyed time with family, including a one-night camping getaway at Silver River State Park about an hour from our home.  We've also found a new family fun night which we call "campfire movie" (don't laugh), where we sit on our small deck out back around a nice fire in our firebowl we love, bring the flat screen tv and dvd player outside and watch a movie favorite under the stars.  So far we've watched The Help, our old favorite The Edge with Anthony Hopkins, and Cowboys and Aliens (mom's least favorite, sorry guys!)  We find the best ones are the outdoor setting movies.  Its fun.    

NY 2011, Our 25th Anniversary

SOOOO, as an update, here's what's been going on in the Burns household.  Tyler, our oldest son is continuing his ministerial licensing classes called DSOM which he loves and he continues to lead the youth worship and manicure his little bonsai trees, a new hobby.  Cayler, started his culinary program today and spent a lot of time over the holidays enjoying mountain biking with Sami and Tyler on the Santos trails near Ocala.  Kenny's keeping up with work, playing a little tennis, as well as transporting me around to appts. and being my constant rock.

AS FAR AS MY HEALTH, unfortunately, Lymphedema is the issue of the day lately.  Despite all the surgeons efforts to avoid it and despite the 75% of women who never get it...I am dealing with some swelling in both upper arms that's not going away easily this time.  We all have a lymphatic system with small lymph nodes and vessels running throughout our bodies alongside our blood circulatory system.  It carries lymphatic fluid throughout which is what aids in repairing damages to our body like when you get a cut or burn, and fighting sickness in general.  It's also the transportation system that carries and spreads cancer cells from one part of your body to the next (metastasis).  During a mastectomy, many lymph nodes in the breasts and arms are removed leaving an interruption in the proper flow of your lymphatic system and in some cases lymphedema, or fluid accumulation in the arms.  Up until now, for me its been only a day here or there occasionally and Kenny would help with massaging up my arms and it would go away and feel better the next day.  THIS week, its hanging around for going on about 5 days now. Nothing real painful, just slightly uncomfortable in respect to what I've learned as my new "normal", but I'm just concerned about it getting worse or becoming MORE of a chronic problem if I don't handle it correctly.  SO...I'm contacting a lymphedema therapist today about my options.


WELL, THE DOORBELL RANG and my new lovely wardrobe addition just arrived...my lymphedema compression sleeves.  HOLY COW!!  I've put these tight banded sleeves on my arms which compress from my wrists to my armpits.  Besides causing me a slight bit of claustrophobia, they are EXTREMELY TIGHT AND UNCOMFORTABLE making my arms and hands ache.  I know I bought the right size and I'm sure they are supposed to be tight to work that fluid up the arms, but let me say again...HOLY COW!!  I didn't envision them being this tight.  No wonder they say so many women end up throwing them in a drawer and only wear them when they fly.  GEESH!  We were laughing the other day when Kenny said my bald head and make-up'd face looked like a barbie doll head where the kid has pulled all the hair out.  NOW, I HAVE BARBIE DOLL ARMS TOO WITH THESE FLESH COLORED SLEEVES MAKING MY ARMS LOOK PLASTIC AND HARD.  Another chapter in the saga, I guess Continuing to pray God will take this lymphedema away all together, but I know His ways are not always our ways.  

Thank you to many of you who have reached out to check on me and my family and for the many, new people each week who tell me they are praying for us, everyday even.  Its quite humbling and I feel undeserving of such commitment, but I know its God's arms extended..."GOD WITH FLESH", our friend use to say.  So I thank you.

2ND CHEMO

MONDAY WAS MY 2ND CHEMO INFUSION down in Tampa.  Kenny had to be away for the night so Cayler my youngest son escorted his beloved mom for the day to her treatment.  Definitely not a fun day for either of us.  The place seemed unusually crowded and stuffy the minute we entered the waiting area, and seemed like we had to wait a long time just to get called back.  For the record, I'll be trying out Florida Cancer Specialists' other location near USF on my next visit which should be newer and roomier at least.  After going through the regimen of drawing blood, vitals, seeing the PA (this time) then heading back to the infusion area which again was packed, we finally found a recliner and Cayler ended up sitting half the four hours on the floor next to me, bless his heart.  He was very helpful and courteous to me and the other patients around us.  The nurses were great as usual and hustling to keep up with the constant beeping of the IV pumps needing attention.  My hemoglobin was down some indicating I might be becoming anemic if it goes down much more, in which case they would give me iron pills or an infusion I was told.  Haven't heard anymore so I'm hoping that meant it was in the safe.

BY MONDAY NIGHT I was starting to feel the crud coming on.  After getting sick to my stomach, I began my strict med regiment for the next few days.  Tuesday was rough, Wednesday was rougher, and I've felt really sore in my arm and underarm tightness for about a week now, not sure why...that area is a constant battle.  Nurse Kenny did a good job administering my Neulasta shot on Tuesday night when he returned home and it must have kicked in because it makes your bones ache by the next day.

GRATEFULLY today, Thursday, I felt pretty dang good for a chemo week; so much so that we drove to the American Cancer Society store in Leesburg where we had a private room to try on tons of wigs of which I could choose a few to take home free of charge.  The volunteer, Nancy, was kind and patient and left us alone to take our time.  I did find a few wigs I liked and some we just HAD A GOOFY TIME WITH FOR FUN!  Not sure how much I'll want to wear them.  I'm leaning toward being a scarf/bandana girl because it feels so much better.  Nancy also showed me bins of hats, scarves, and turbans for me to go through and fill a bag to take home.  This is a wonderful benefit offered to cancer patients and I'll be happy to donate back my hats, wigs and scarves when I'm finished to help other patients.  Kenny and I enjoyed lunch, rested some at home, then grocery shopped a little, and I was so glad to feel like participating in this day.  


PRAYING FOR continued good days.  Thanks to each one of you for taking the time to read the blog either weekly or even occasionally and for all the kind and encouraging comments you so often leave.  They make me smile!  By the way...this last wig was Kenny's idea!          

"YORK PEPPERMINT HEAD"

THIS PAST WEEK was my 3rd and "good" week, and I DID feel much better and tried to make the best of it.  Monday I attended a free event in Eustis for cancer patients put on by the American Cancer Society called "Look Good Feel Better" which is an intimate workshop setting where you learn from volunteers about skin care during chemo, applying makeup and fake eyebrows, how to tie scarves, etc.  It was nice, not as good as I imagined, but I did walk away with tons of makeup samples from different cosmetic companies which was great and met two very sweet older ladies going through similar struggles with cancer.  Tuesday afternoon was Christmas goody-making with Sami into the evening, choir practice for the Christmas cantata on Thursday night, Christmas shopping on Saturday, etc.

MY SISTER accompanied me to my plastic surgeon appt. on Thursday where the news was not so great.  That story I will save for another day after another follow-up visit with him for some much needed confirmation!!  But...enjoyed the day and lunch with her.

AND THEN THERE'S THE HAIR...OR LACK OF!!!  Just as promised by my oncologist this was the week it began to REALLY fall out and by Friday morning in the shower it was quite dramatic and emotional for me, I'm not gonna lie.  Kenny too, for that matter.  After coming to my rescue in the shower he said it looked like a cat had died in the shower floor.  Now I looked just sick and scary, half-bald and half-haired.  I had wanted to hold off until Friday night after we picked up our sons from the airport from visiting their grandfather in NC, to somehow make the "big shave" a "fun family event".  I don't think the guys were as into that idea as their mom, which was just as well because by an hour before heading to the airport, I couldn't take it another minute...the itchiness, the soreness, the hair EVERYWHERE FALLING at the slightest touch.  Kenny and I loaded up for CVS with a cap on my head, bought some electric clippers, and headed home to do the deed.  He was feeling so bad for me, but by that time, MY overriding feeling was anxiousness to get it done.  He shaved it down as far as he could, but we still had stubble, so after trying the beard trimmer next, we even tried the razor until we decided that wasn't such a great idea...very uncomfortable to my sore head AND too much risk of infection.

I BELIEVE it was again that grace of God coming through at the moment I needed it.  I have to say...it was quite a bizarre and life-changing thing as a woman to see yourself bald for the first time in your life.  I was even BORN with hair and as women, hair is such a BIG part of our lives like it or not.  From the moment we are little girls, brushing each other's hair and wearing ribbons and barettes; and into womanhood, finding the latest style, crying over a bad haircut or color, spending hours in the mirror over the years getting it just right.  And we won't even talk about the teenage years which for me a teen of the 80's meant BIG FARRAH FAWCETTE FEATHERED HAIR!  Then to be...what seems like at first "freakishly baldheaded", sets even the strongest woman back a little when she gazes into the mirror.

THANKFULLY, I'M ALMOST OVER IT ALREADY!  I say almost because I know feelings will ebb and flow.  Feels even kind of neat at moments - like letting the nice hot shower water run down my head, then stepping out of the shower, it feels instantly cool, like your head's a big York Peppermint Patty.  I haven't gotten motivated to buy the wig yet, perhaps I will.  Perhaps I'm being rebellish in my own way.  I strapped on a pretty colorful scarf (which probably screamed "CANCER") and walked the crowded mall Saturday, and yes...I could feel the stares, especially standing in the three-hour line at Bath and Body, but just tried to ignore them.  A bandana to the airport, pink ball cap (compliments of my niece) to choir practice, and even donned a red 20's style hat on Sunday for the cantata, which itched pretty badly I must say, and bumped everyone's face when I tried to give hugs, but looked ok, I guess.

I'll just try to think of myself as tough Demi Moore in "GI Jane" everytime I look in the mirror at my round slick head.  I'm not brave enough yet to display for you our pix we took of my new style.  Maybe one day, I will be.



           

FRUSTRATING WEEK #2

WEEK #2 HAS JUST ENDED and it was, in a word...frustratingly uncomfortable.  I guess that was actually two words.  I call it week #2 meaning 2nd week after my first chemo infusion.  As I've shared with  several who've asked, in many ways I found it harder than week one right after the chemo.  Mainly because, and perhaps my expectations were too high, but I felt JUST ENOUGH better to feel like I wanted to do more, yet still had many of the ongoing symptoms from week one and some news doosies to add to the list.  I found it mentally frustrating and discouraging, and a little frightening knowing I'm just on the threshold of this "chemo thing" and have seven more cycles and 6 months to go of this.  I would think many times while feeling crappy and sorry for myself of the people much worse than I, and become amazed at how they cope and find that MENTAL strength (because this week was as much a mental as physical struggle).  So, I apologize in advance to those for my whining, but I decided from the start to be as honest and true as possible with my blog and my feelings, so this is the cold hard truth.  Perhaps I WAS just feeling well ENOUGH to not depend on my God more, at least at times.  I'm not sure.

BIGGEST PHYSICAL COMPLAINT was a raw throat, esophagus and into the stomach.  I knew to expect this because those are areas of constant regenerative cell growth which is exactly what chemo targets and destroys (like hair, and of course, cancer cells).  I told a friend...you're not supposed to "feel" your esophagus, but I DO, and it feels irritated, sore (kind of like indigestion with a sore throat) giving you a sick feeling all over.  This would come and go, which was weird.  I drank yogurt milk shakes, hot cocoa, soup, gargled Biotene mouthwash, chewed Hall's Breezer candies, chugged Pepto Bismol out of the bottle, and even tried Maalox.  Ok...that was horrible even chilled.  Tastes like you're drinking your toothpaste spit by the cupful.  Yuk!  Nausea waves came and went this week, but not too bad.  Sores popped up by the numbers on my legs, and I'll save you the other whining symptoms because I'm even starting to bore myself.  My sister did make me homemade cookies Tuesday night which was a treat.

I HAD BLOODWORK DONE Monday, which has to be done weekly, at Bushnell Medical.  Their lab faxes results to my oncology clinic which saves me a trip to Tampa just for bloodwork on the in-between weeks.  One of my nurses called late Tuesday, and after playing phone tag with her all day Wednesday, she finally told me my white blood cell count had plummeted to 1.2 (normal range 4.2-10) and asked me what my symptoms were and did I have fever.  She also encouraged me to stay away from crowds, wash hands religiously, etc.  This after I spent most of Wednesday (with the help of a pain pill) enjoying a day with my son shopping Ocala for his girlfriend's birthday gift, which included the Mall, Target, and Walmart, THE GERM CAPITAL OF THE WORLD!  Truthfully though, I was glad I didn't know because it was such a nice day I would have hated to miss it.  I did, however, quarantine myself in the house for the next few days once again feeling crappy.  Friday, we drove to Tampa to have more blood drawn and checked and, PRAISE THE LORD, the wbc count had risen to 8 which meant I could venture out for the weekend and to church on Sunday.  The Neulasta shot is supposed to help keep wbc count from dropping so low.  Nurses commented it may have just taken longer to take effect this time.  Hoping for better results next round.

NOW TO THE HAIR, which is the last thing I'll mention.  I don't know who scratched more this week, me or my golden retriever with her skin condition.  My hair fell out more and more and with it my head itched and itched and hair follicles became sorer.  I finally decided, after stressing my poor husband out with my indecisiveness, that I would chop my thick hair off short as a bridge to my inevitable baldness.  My dear sweet hairdresser Edith patiently cut my hair into a cute punky style I had chosen in a picture, both of us knowing it would probably only last a few weeks at best.  I'm glad I did it and I think it will be easier this way.  My sons and husband were very complimentary and supportive except for the "looks like Susie Orman" comment, I guess.  Edith volunteered to come to my house when I was ready for the "big shave" if I would like her to.  Praying and hoping for a good week #3!!!!!    

1ST WEEK OF CHEMO

I SURVIVED THE FIRST WEEK OF CHEMO!!  I took the advice given and tried to keep lots of fluids going.  Kenny helped me by constantly asking..."Are you drinking?"  I guess that could be taken in two ways.  Also, kept the meds going and napped a lot which is all you pretty much feel like doing.  I was thankful I only hurled a handful of times and pretty much ate what everyone else was eating but very limited amounts and sometimes slightly altered in spice level.  Stomach issues fluctuated from one extreme to the other, I'll save you the details.  Felt mostly like I had the flu all over and a heavy head.  I think I noticed the "chemo fog" a few times, too...couldn't get a grasp on my thoughts, but that's not too different than normal times either.  I did develop a reddish flushed look in my face and chest all week which ironically gave me some color probably accounting for some of the nice compliments I received at the church dinner tonight about how good I looked.

MY NURSE FRIEND, Sharon, graciously came to the house Tuesday and gave Kenny his first lesson in giving me the Neulasta shot at home.  This will build my white blood cells to help fight infections and save us one trip of many to Tampa.  We gave it in the belly which was a breeze, he did good.  Side effects from the Neulasta were bone aches which I mostly noticed in the face and jaw.  Not too bad.

FRIDAY was probably my worst day as far as feeling like crap and staying in bed most of the day, then by Saturday, I woke feeling much better.  Kenny and I went hat and scarf shopping at Kohl's and TJMax in Ocala.  Something about shopping energized me and I even knocked out a few relatives' gifts on my list while out.

Kinda cute

cute for a beagle

depressing

stylish

"you talkin' to mee"

looks better in person

COME THIS MORNING, I woke feeling crappy again.  Ended up staying home from church which I wasn't happy about, but saved my energy for tonight where our church "roasted" and financially supported a dear friend who left our church to begin pastoring a small church for his first time.  As always, blessed and overwhelmed by the love and support of our church family.

PRISCILLA'S EMBARRASSING STORY!

FIRST OF ALL TO CHECK IN, I'm slowly feeling better.  My head feels like it weighs as much as a bowling ball; little pukey this morning, but trying to do few things today while I'm up and down.  Priscilla, a/k/a Mawmaw left for Kentucky this morning after her 3 week stay.  She was sad to leave but joked that she had to go home and rest.  I think our family pace wore her out - but she hung in there!

Several have asked about her funny story regarding her solo plane trip from KY to FL several weeks ago.  I promised I'd include her journal entries in the blog, so here it is in her own words......  She's quite the writer in her own right, and journaled this on the plane ride.

Nov. 13, 2011
Lord have mercy!  What an experience I have had today!  Kenny, Dina and the boys and the whole family for that matter, will get a belly laugh out of my famed Florida trip to visit 2 weeks and 5 days, thanks to my loving son & daughter-in-law.  


Bill and I arrived in Owensbora on time (about 1 1/2 hrs. before flight - thank goodness!)  I had to pee so I go straight to the bathroom with my 2 carry on bags (bag and huge purse conveniently filled with my needed stuff.)  I come out of the bathroom looking for Bill who had my other bag still in the car (I thought).  He was going to park the car and bring it in.  I'm still looking for Bill and I as I am I spot a piece of lone luggage sitting inside door to the second entrance.  My Lord!  it's mine - he had brought it in, left it there, and went on to park the car.  I grabbed it up with my other precious items and luggage as I spot Bill strolling into the building!  


Now I proceed to the line where all are emptying the little gray boxes to be checked.  I'm concerned at how much of my stuff will go back with Bill.  One elderly man ahead of me falls flat upon his butt as he tries to take his shoes off for inspection.  Finally - its my turn.  I unload all my lovely belongings along with shoes and luggage that I hope will pass inspection, all the while, holding in my clutches my itinerary that Michelle had gotten off the internet.  I go through the little lit doorway with Miss "It Better Be Right" standing there edging me onward.  She says do you have your ID (Driver's License or passport).  I hand her my drivers license after fishing it out of the little gray box which holds the huge bag I brought.  She says, "where is your book pass" or something like that.  I assure her it is in her hand with my ID.  "No, that is your itinerary only, you have to gather all your bags and go back up front an get your pass."  No problem!  The attendant gathers all my precious stuff and I head back up to the desk after handing Bill my bags, etc.  I am barefoot by the way as my shoes are still in the little gray box.  I go to the desk, get pass and start to the back of the line when they so kindly escort me to the front of the line since they see my embarrassment and confusion all combined with frustration at how stupid I look - barefoot and all!  Now I'm in line and the kind man that inspects the bags coming through looks at my carry on and says, "Oh, but that bag will never fit the overhead.  It is way too fat (like me, I'm thinking to myself!).  In my constant humiliation I look at him and say, "you have got to be kidding me."  Although I had wondered myself about it.  I did weigh it at home and it was under the weight limit but still not acceptable.  Now I must take everything back to the desk and have my bag go on the plane with other luggage.  How much I ask, and by this tie I'm thinking, "Florida and my son will not be getting a visit from me.  The young man plus everyone else in the airport by now sees my humiliation waning into a "oh well, who cares attitude!"- still barefooted as any Florida girl could be.  The young man says "no charge", and I'm thinking, thank you Lord, since I didn't have the money to pay for a bag to go on that way.  So now, I have 2 bags and I head back to the other desk, the man who knows me well by now is waiting.  He gets me ahead of a lady who like everyone else, knows me and my routine of stupid.  Finally, I let my stuff go through thinking, "Lord, please not anything else or I will go back home."  Miss "Better Be Right" lets me through and I turn to see Bill standing behind the lines waiting to see if I can actually board this flight.  He can't cross the line and I can't go to him to give him a good-bye hug or kiss so we just wave and I'm left to hopefully find a seat and wait for the plane to start boarding.  By this tie, a half a dozen people or so are asking with a grin of amusement, "well, you finally got through?"  All being very genteel and kind.  I will say, except for the Miss "Better Be Right" (and she was really not that bad after all- I was a little stupid anyway), all the attendants were wonderfully accommodating and friendly.  Thank God!  Or I would have been a disaster.  Now I'm waiting to board thinking, "did I zip my luggageback (on my fat bag) 


Thank you Lord for the humor and for Kenny's thoughtful prayer it was surely needed and heard!    

IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH

YESTERDAY (11/28), was Kenny and my 25th Wedding Anniversary as many of you know.  We felt so romantic spending it in the chemo infusion chair.  Our kind oncologist encouraged us that what better place to prove our committment was being their that day together after all these years, and he promised us another 25 years.  We're believing for that too.  Kenny as usual and even more so, was right by my side holding my hand.  I'm blessed.

I'VE STOPPED BETWEEN MEDS today to update you all on how it went and how its going.  So many of you have sent thoughtful comments on FB and otherwise letting us know you're holding us up.  The infusion itself was about 2 hours long once in the chair, the total visit including waiting, drawing blood, seeing the oncologist, then the infusion took about 5 hours.  A little scare at the beginning when the nurse could not get my chest port to access via a needle.  She said it was a small port, and she ended up enlisting the help of another nurse to give it a shot.  After about 4 sticks they reclined me back and finally got it!  I said a quick prayer right before that.  Failure to access would have meant a possible surgery replacement of that port and delay of chemo for that day.  So we were all relieved at results.

LAST NIGHT  I began to feel the waves of nausea starting around 7 pm.  Other than that just a dizzy, yukky, headachy type feeling all over.  I tried to eat something simple, not much.  Keeping the liquids in me.  Today, I felt pretty sluggish so far sleeping a lot.  Meds every 6 hours to help.  Stomach upset, getting worse, time to take the meds and hit the bed.  Till next time.  Thanks for the prayers.

THANKFUL

THANKSGIVING day was a true blessing to me.  Cayler my resident chef/son made an amazing 23 lb. turkey.  I made cornbread dressing and other fixins'.  Priscilla (Kenny's mom) and I spent HOURS on Wednesday making her famous pecan tarts...well, I just helped.  My sister and her family brought tons of delicious food to join with ours and our good friend Jim blessed us with two homemade pies.  Needless to say we ate and ate!

Everybody enjoyed the 74 degree Florida weather with some archery in the backyard.  Our niece, Brittni, gained a new nick name of "Zena Warrior Princess" from her impressive  archery skills.  We finished the evening with a fire ring on the back deck and, yes...you guessed  it...another plate of food.  One of the highlights of my day before bed was browsing through one scrapbook after another with my oldest son Tyler by my side.

SO MUCH TO BE THANKFUL FOR!  As I've said on my blog several times already...my supportive and wonderful husband, my rock; our sons who make us laugh and who make us proud; peace in our home; all of our other family members, upstanding, strong Godly people; a church family whom we love and who loves us; a job, home, transportation, opportunities to serve, good friends, pets that love us; and health, yes health.  I could go on.

I FOUND MYSELF soberly aware and thankful one day this week for a cancer that is treatable.  If you have to get the dreaded "C" word, what a blessing it is to have a disease that has treatment options which provide hope.  To some people that may sound like an odd thing to be thankful for, but I am.  I know there are people diagnosed, even some around me, who are not given much hope short of divine intervention, and I know that there are no guarantees even with breast cancer Stage IIB.  Even though, I believe by the grace of God, I've remained peaceful about my future prognosis and outcome, my mind WILL go there from time to time to the "what if's".  Its in those times that I try to just hand off those thoughts and fears to the Lord like a child who pushes into his parent's arms what he doesn't want to tote around anymore.  It doesn't make the realities go away, but it acknowledges that someone bigger than I  is there to carry the load should He not take it away.  Which I guess leads me to my final and most important "thanks".

I'M THANKFUL THAT GOD CHOSE ME AND GOD LOVED ME EVEN BEFORE I LOVED HIM.  I don't pretend to understand and be able to answer all the "what if's" about my faith in Jesus Christ as the Savior of the world.  And I'd be lying if I told you that I feel Him every minute and can explain all the mysteries of God and life.  But you know, the older I get in Him, the more I don't feel like I have to.  He is God and I am not, for that I'm THANKFUL. 

                 

THE BUCKET LIST

AS MOST WOMEN on this day before Thanksgiving, I'm checking my list for the last minute grocery items needed for the big day tomorrow.  I've also been focusing on, what I call, my "bucket list" before chemo starts Monday.  It doesn't involve skydiving or anything else on that level, more like getting a real Christmas tree purchased and decorated, cleaning the house, getting the frig cleaned out, updating my cell phone.  I also want to download some audible books for chemo when I don't feel like reading.   I know...I'm a real exciting person, right?  No, actually I have spent the last couple of weeks while I'm feeling the best yet, trying to enjoy and do the things I probably won't feel like doing in another week.  I can't say I've accomplished all of them, but have enjoyed my family and look forward to that  especially tomorrow on Thanksgiving.  We are hosting my sister's family and her inlaws, my mother-in-law, and a single friend from our church.  I'll know its really Thanksgiving when the smell of celery and onion fill the house and the Macy's Day parade plays on TV while I cook, followed by the Dog Show which is a tradition to watch in our house.  Everyone will bring more food than we can possible eat! EAT, EAT, EAT...FOR MONDAY NIGHT, I PUKE!

YESTERDAY Kenny and I headed to Tampa early for another reconstruction appt. with my plastic surgeon, then onto a follow-up appt. with my general surgeon to recheck everything.  He's been a true blessing to us, takes a lot of time with us, not getting in a hurry.  He's actually a surgical oncologist and Kenny and I enjoy asking him about the latest research project he is working on in cancer surgery and treatment.  He's always willing to share this fascinating information with us.  His latest study is focusing on isolating breast cancer patients who, because of their genome, would benefit most from chemo BEFORE surgery and possibly in place of surgery, and those who wouldn't.  That is a very simplistic explanation, but its nice to hear that cancer research is continuing to improve in hopes of giving women like myself more options, more tools, in making the hard life-saving decisions that have to be made.

MY SURGEON did concur that I was experiencing slight lymphedema in my right arm which I'd hoped I would avoid.  Its been slightly swollen and sore and the condition will come and go when I'm up and active and when flying due to the altitude.  He wrote me a script for an arm compression-type sleeve which I can wear when needed.  This particular kind (Lymphediva.com) comes in every possible wild design you could wish for.  I guess some women choose to make it a fashion statement.  I'm not sure that I want to advertise to the world with my leopard design sleeve, "HEY LOOK AT ME, I HAVE LYMPHEDEMA!"

Regardless...so much to be THANKFUL for, I dont' know where to begin.

CANCER AND FITNESS

I'VE BEEN ASKED to pass to my blog readers (especially the cancer patients) the following article about Cancer and Fitness.  I hope you will find it helpful and beneficial.

Cancer and Fitness- The Benefits Are Endless

There remains little doubt to this day as to the importance of fitness and exercise for a healthy mind and body. The vast majority of doctors recommend exercise as a vital addendum to an all over health regime. There are many known and well-studied benefits that exercise has on all bodies: lower blood pressure, improved cardiovascular endurance, better flexibility and more muscular strength. Exercise has a whole other effect on our mental capacities as well: it reduces the occurrence of depression and low self-esteem, and increases confidence and motivation.

Despite these known benefits, often the last thing that cancer patients of any kind want to do is exercise. Whether one is suffering from a more common disease like breast cancer or a rare one like mesothelioma, exercise does have some tremendous benefits if done properly and to one’s own level. But, it is of the utmost importance, as physical fitness can play a vital role in fighting the disease and getting you back into health. The harshness of traditional cancer treatments of chemotherapy, radiation, or surgery can be alleviated by engaging in a total health program - with proper diet and exercise, these treatment can be made much more effective. Exercise not only improves your health, but also gives patients a sense of control over their bodies during a time when many feel things are out of their control. This is an important psychological effect to consider when medical physicians are prescribing treatment.

Physical exercise can strengthen the bones, which cancer (and old age) more often than not take a toll on. If your bones are stronger and healthier, then the negative effects of cancer will be very lessened. Exercise also provides an opportunity for patients to engage in social activity - another important component of full body health. Social engagement, in a healthy environment such as exercise classes or the gym, provides another important component, and that is a social support web.

With much research having been focused on the benefits of exercise specifically for cancer treatment, it has been found that any exercise is the best exercise. Patients need not go through the perceived hassle of signing up for and joining a gym - walking out the front door and going for a brisk walk (or run if you are up to it) is considered moderate exercise. Patients can easily purchase personal free weights to lift in the comfort of their own home. Yoga mats, and home yoga video programs, make it easy to do in the living room. Many exercise beginners may want to find a workout partner - this often makes it easier to find the drive to exercise, as the partners motivate each other and can provide a push if one person finds their drive flagging.

Many patients think that rest is needed to regain strength - but the truth is that rest can make one weak. Exercise is the best answer. And given the many physical, physiological, and psychological benefits, as well as the ease with which a broad range of exercise can be had, there remain no excuses to be inactive!

STILL HERE, STILL KICKIN!

STILL HERE, still kickin'!  Actually having more and more energy over the last couple of weeks.  A lot going on last week taking care of business around here...college registration with the guys, house appraisal, my dentist appt. which I'd postponed twice...just boring stuff.   Grocery shopping for myself has resumed (though I'd just as soon leave that to my capable husband...I already hate Walmart again!); choir practices, family get-togethers, even a little shopping here and there.  For all of you reading this facing breast cancer and mastectomies, be encouraged that things do get better with time.

TODAY was my weekly plastic surgeon appt. in Tampa to continue the slow-but-sure reconstruction.  This one a little more uncomfortable than the last two, but I expected as much.  Physical therapy going slow.  Its those right arm tendons that are as tight as the bottom string of a guitar.  I'm probably wanting to see results after 3-4 days and its just not realistic.  Getting comfortable for sleep is still aggrivating, but, again, much better than the pain in the earlier weeks.  Chemo starts in a couple of weeks which brings about its own challenges for sure, but I'm SO looking forward to Thanksgiving with my immediate family, extended family, sons' girlfriends (who are already part of our family), and special friends.

MY MOTHER-IN-LAW has arrived from Kentucky to stay with us for three weeks.  We were excited to pick her up from the airport Sunday after church.  This was her first time ever flying by herself and she was so nervous.  She arrived with a survival story which I may let her share in her own words.  VERY FUNNY!  She's already been a blessing to me and to all of us.  Its been good for her to see me doing so well, I'm glad she's come during this time.  She accompanied me to my plastic surgeon today and I drove myself for the first time with her in the passenger seat.  I guess my driving in Tampa traffic scared her to death, but she survived yet again!

PHYSICAL THERAPY

TWO POSTS in one day is not my norm...but I'm kind of catching up, I guess.  Besides time with friends and family this week, it was a busy week in other ways as well.  Tuesday was an appt. with my plastic surgeon again moving to the next phase of the reconstruction process.  It was pretty non-eventful and painless and hopefully will be again tomorrow when we go.  It was more uncomfortable for Kenny to watch what he called a horse needle and syringe go in.  Truthfully, one little stick was all I felt.

A LARGE PART of my time was spent working on refinancing our mortgage to a better lower rate....talking about a pain, but its done now!  Choir practices, mailing birthday gift cards, rescheduling dentist appts., running to Walmart, and of course, wasting time on Facebook when I felt unmotivated to do anything productive.

MY YOUNGEST SON, Cayler and I checked out a local culinary program that he plans to start in January.  We enjoyed touring the commercial training kitchen and talking with the chef/director about the program.  Cayler is already a fabulous cook and enjoys being creative in the kitchen.  At 19, he's already a better cook than his mom, insisting on fresh pressed garlic over garlic powder and even grows his own basil.  He's hoping the year long program will help him determine whether he would enjoy this as a career as well.

I'VE ENLISTED some physical therapy this week to help improve my right arm's mobility which is still pretty limited and has become more and more sore over the last two weeks.  A physical therapist friend was kind enough to come out to the house and give me her opinion.  There is some concern that the soreness and slight swelling of the right arm might be lymphadema related rather than mobility.  She gave me some various exercises to work on, in addition to the "fingers up the wall" one I had known of.  She also encouraged and instructed me on how to massage the scar tissue that has built up on the sides of the breasts and under the arms.  This cleared up for me why everything was so tight and at times feels like the tissue expanders were moving up under my arms which my plastic assured me they were not.  It feels  gross and I don't like doing the massaging, but I'm hoping it will help the constant discomfort and tightness.  Kenny assists by massaging lotion up my arm each night beginning at the wrist and ending at the shoulder.  I wish I could say it feels great...its not every woman who gets a nightly massage from her husband.  Unfortunately, it is quite uncomfortable as my arm feels bruised and very tender, but I appreciate him anyway of course.

   

YOU GOTTA HAVE FRIENDS!

Eagles Cover Band 2/12

THIS PAST WEEK was a great treat for me with friends and family.  I guess you could call it the "perfect storm" of spending quality time with several of my gracious friends several days in a row.  I enjoyed catching up with my dear friend, Marla, at lunch over a Wendy's Apple Chicken salad...awesome pomegranate dressing, BTW!  That same evening I was blessed with a surprise lasagna from Janis, another dear friend of many years, which came at just the right time as I started some home physical therapy that afternoon.  Friday found me wig shopping for my first time with Bev, another fun great friend of many years.  That was comical and interesting with my own thick hair still present.  I named the Asian wig shop owner the "Wig Nazi" (if you're familiar with the old Seinfeld episode of the "Soup Nazi"...you'll understand the analogy).  It was fun, but I'm leaning more and more to my son Tyler's opinion that I should just have fun with it and don a different style every other day...or better yet, skip the wig all together!  We ended that night with a spur-of-the-moment ticket to a local civic theater performance of "Steel Magnolias" joined by our men folk.

SATURDAY I was pampered beyond what I'm used to by my classmate and new dear friend, Nicole, who treated me and another friend, Amanda, to pedicures, which my poor abused feet sure needed.  I've been lucky to get my toenails clipped lately so my feet were in heaven.  Why don't we microwave hot towels at home more often and wrap them around ourselves?  That is one of the greatest feelings in the world and so simple!  It was good to catch up with Nicole on what I'm missing in the radiography school realm these days.  Its amazing how being out of it for just three months makes it sound so foreign.  Amanda, a young cancer survivor herself, was encouraging to talk with and get advice on chemo.
Saturday night, my sister and brother-in-law invited us to where they were camping about an hour away for grilled hamburgers with all the fixins.  They provided everything, we just showed up and enjoyed sitting by the campfire sharing stories and laughing.  By Sunday with full day of church, I was one tired puppy, but it was a good tired and I enjoyed every minute and was so very thankful for the love and care of each one.

NOBODY in their right mind wants to go through breast cancer or other similar physical trials.  But it sure does make you feel loved and even fortunate when God wraps his arms around you through the kind hearts of your friends and family members as in a week like this one.


  

HINDSIGHT - HELP FOR OTHERS

ONE of the reasons I started this blog was to hopefully help another woman find answers from my story that might apply to her situation, whether a close friend I know well, or even a stranger who might wander upon this blog site searching for answers.  The latter accounts for my choice of the rather boring name of the blog which I hoped would be an easy google search pop-up for that searching woman.  I was once that "google-searching woman" myself.

THAT'S WHY today, I felt like I should backtrack a little in time and share how I found my breast cancer and some events that led up to that.  Many friends have asked me this question and I'm able to share and will again today, hoping it might help at least one person discern wisely.  FIRST, let me say that not everyone's situation is the same and I intend this only as a prayerful tool you might use in your situation.  Any research you might do on breast lumps will tell you that MOST lumps end up being benign, thankfully, and women have to find a careful balance between living in constant fear and using diligent wisdom God gives us to discern issues about our health.

(For the men friends - I apologize in advance if any of this is too awkward for you to read and you can certainly choose to opt out of today's blog.)
MY HISTORY has always been of having very dense breasts which many women have.  This doesn't mean my breast were stupid, but rather compact I guess you could say, which made mammograms harder to distinguish what from what.  Women with dense breasts have to be even more diligent about "knowing" their own breasts with self-exams, etc.  I've not always done that especially in younger years, more hit and miss.  I breast fed both my babies for a year each which is supposed to help prevent breast cancer.  I battled the common fibrocystic (fluid-filled benign) breastlumps in my younger adult years which come and go during a women's cycle and can be tender and painful but not dangerous.  They usually tell you to avoid caffeine which helps and eventually as I got older they weren't an issue for me anymore.

Over my middle-aged years (I can't remember when I started exactly) I continued to get mammograms and occasionally breast ultrasounds would follow when they couldn't distinguish an area due to the density.  Always okay.  In 2006 after my mother's ovarian cancer diagnosis, I was put back on a low dose oral contraceptive as a way of leveling off hormone levels to avoid ovarian cancer.  I stayed on that for about 5 or 6 years until I took myself off.  In 2007 I found two rather palpable lumps, one in each breast.  They did mammograms, special view mammograms (more detailed), and an ultrasound.  It was suggested that while they appeared to be benign, a needle biopsy was the only way to tell for sure.  The biopsy, while no fun, is relatively simple, performed by a radiologist with the help of an ultrasound tech, with lidocaine to numb the area where you feel only pressure for the most part.  The lidocaine injections are small needles and feel like bee stings at worst.  The whole procedure takes about 30 minutes and you go home with icepacks for a few hours and maybe some bruising, but in light of what it can help you avoid....is NOTHING you should hesitate about out of fear.  Meditating on speaking Jesus' name was always a help to me in getting through the biopsies and taking my mind off of what they were doing.

The radiologist felt by the sheer look of the specimen that it was benign but, of course, won't confirm until labs are back in about 3 days.  I was relieved to find the two lumps were FIBROADENOMAS, which were solid, but benign.  The radiologist and my gyno said that they were estrogen related, but usually dissolve themselves when women go through menopause.  I was told that unless they changed or were bothering me, I could leave them alone, or choose to have them removed surgically.  Surgical removal would have amounted to a lumpectomy-type procedure on both breasts and due to the size of the right one especially, would cause a definite indention at best.  More than that, I was just so relieved and tired of all the testing, that I just wanted to move on and stop worrying about it and opted to not put myself through a surgical procedure to remove benign breast lumps which would eventually go away on their own.  I did make a moderate attempt to start a natural vitamin regimen sold by my gyno for about 9 months.  They were expensive and I wasn't sold on the fact that they were worth it and eventually stopped.  I continued though over the next years to take OTC vitamin D3 which is supposed to be good for cancer prevention.  However, I would often fall off the wagon with my daily vitamin taking, just to pick it back up again later.

In 2009, after a mammogram with new digital equipment, they found a microcalcification in the right breast.  This was a little scarier, because they can often signify pre-cancerous cells forming.  NOT ALWAYS, but again, YOU GUESSED IT, the only way to know for sure is a biopsy.  This time though due to the small rice-size of the spot, they would have to do a stereotactic biopsy.  I'd never heard of this procedure at the time, but felt like I needed to follow through with it.  In a stereo, you lay on an elevated table on your stomach with your breast exposed through an opening underneath where they are compressed in a mammogram while a needle biopsy is performed.  One of the hardest parts was not being able to move for about 30 minutes during the procedure.  Again, I will just say this.  If this procedure can help you avoid future breast cancer, then comparatively speaking, its much simpler.  But I will say, it was not an easy procedure to go through and learn from my mistake - DON'T HESITATE TO SPEAK UP AND TELL THEM JUST AS SOON AS YOU NEED MORE NUMBING MEDS.  Thankfully again, the results came back as more fibroadenoma cells.  This brought up a new issue for me personally as to how much is too much!  I openly discussed with the radiologist that while I appreciated the new digital technology that could reveal possible precancerous cells much smaller and earlier, I could not and would not want to go through a stereotactic biopsy every other year just because my breasts were prone to these issues.  I'm sure that's when I began to work harder on taking my vitamins, etc.  He assured me that it was uncommon for women to have frequent ongoing stereo's.  I was just glad it was over and again that the results were negative.  Back to regular life.

In Nov. 2010, I had a slight scare with my yearly pelvic exam coming back abnormal and followed through with some follow-up diagnostics with that.  It was unnerving to say the least and tiring to have to deal with yet another issue.  I had started back to school at that point and was extremely busy and wrapped up in that.  It ended up being nothing, PTL, and ironically my mammogram in Nov. 2010 came back clear.  I was not even called back in for the usual breast ultrasound to double-check which I'd been so used to.  I just remember being thankful since the pelvic issue was on my plate at the time and I even considered it a blessing.  The previous fibroadenoma lumps as well as the microcalcification spot had all been marked at time of biopsies, with tissue markers that would show up in subsequent mammograms letting radiologists know those areas had already been cleared as "ok".

SOMETIME in the first few months of 2011 I'm guessing, I began to re-feel on the large fibroadenoma lump in my right breast.  This was probably more an occasional habit while in the shower to run my fingers over the lump and think about it.  But I found myself doing it more and more often and questioning whether it was indeed changing size/getting bigger, whether it was just hormones causing it to swell then shrink back, or whether it was just my imagination trying to worry...paranoia.  NOT wanting to run back to the doctors and very busy in life, I let it go for several months until I began to feel a bebe size lump closer to the nipple area of that same breast.  That definitely felt "different", but again, I just questioned myself and postponed it for weeks until my follow-up appt. with my gyno where I would  bring it up.  In fact to save time off from school, I took charge and scheduled my gyno appt. in the morning, my mammogram after lunch followed by an ultrasound which I knew they would require.  I've learned to ask with pleasant insistence for what I want or need instead of just taking the first thing that's offered appt.-wise, etc.  ALSO, especially after being in radiography school myself for a year by this time, I did not hesitate to ask for EXTRA lidocaine from the radiologist as he proceeded with yet another biopsy one month later on three new tumor areas in that right breast.

The mammogram and ultrasound in July had shown three areas of suspicion and I was told those familiar words again, that only a biopsy could tell for sure whether they were more fibroadenomas or not.  Even at this point, I felt it was probably just the same old benign lumps and I DID NOT want to rush to a biopsy, take time off clinicals, and put myself through the worry.  I tried to believe God to just take it away.  I was stalling, too.  Finally, I decided to take my cd of my mammo and ultra to the clinic where I worked at clinicals in a hope that one of their radiologists would be so kind as so give their student a free second opinion.  One doctor did, and told me he preferred to err on the side of caution with these things and recommended I follow through with the biopsy.  That helped me to make my decision and I'm so glad I did!  Before that I was actually thinking of taking the "watch and wait" approach for 6 months.  Who knows where my cancer would be today had I done that.

As I've shared in this blog many times, I'm a Christian and believe and trust in an all-knowing loving God who is more than able to heal in many ways.  I'm reminded of the old story about the man stranded on his roof top as flood waters are rising all around.  A boat comes along offering him a ride to which he proclaims "No thanks, God will take care of me!"  The flood waters continue to rise as a second boat comes by offering assistance to which he refuses declaring "No thanks, God will care of me!".  As the waters rise even more and third boat comes by begging him to receive help and he again denies saying "God will take care of me!"  The man drowns and goes to heaven where he questions God, "Why didn't you save me?", to which God answers..."Who do you think sent the three boats?"  

My gyno told me when I asked years ago, that it was extremely rare for a fibroadenoma to TURN INTO cancer.  In hindsight...the fibroadenoma lump being the size it was, at best, helped obscure the new cancer tumors that arose later making me question my earlier decision to leave them in.  Also, I would encourage women to talk to their doctor about taking vitamin D3 regularly and be more diligient than I was.  Its an easy, healthy, and inexpensive tool in your arsenal against cancer.  Finally, be familiar with your own breasts and if you suspect anything out of the ordinary, get it checked out as soon as possible.  We can't continue to look backward in our lives, but move forward with courage and thankfulness for a merciful, forgiving God who holds our hand through every hard thing we encounter and uses it to bring us closer to him.  Hope this helps someone.